It's astonishing to me the way someone can hate. hate. hate. you and suddenly just like you. That is kind of how I feel in regards to my little sis right now. I woke up today and we happened to be in the same room for awhile together and small talk started. Then I turned on some music and conversation over a song started. All of sudden we were laughing and enjoying each other.
Yes. Laughing. And enjoying each other.
We spent the rest of the day together. We baked, danced, listened to the new all american rejects cd, drank egg nog, took pictures, cracked jokes, and swore at cars in British accents while shoveling the end of the drive.
Then Tara came home, the the 3 of us hung out and started chatting it up like old buds. Then suddenly secrets started pouring out. All the secrets they tell each other and never fill me in on were revealed. Suddenly I was realizing the weight of the phrase "be careful what you wish for". I had longed to be in on the secrets and the stories. Now I was in, and I wanted to be out because the stories were ones of drunkenness and promiscuity and they made me more sad than they did included.
My responses to the "secrets" were less than acceptable. Words like "respect" and "patience" and "self worth" were not taken well. I had to retreat from my stance on the soap box quickly because their looks were all too familiar. I almost lost my place in the cool club.
So I sat and listened, threw in a swear word here and there. A chuckle or two. I slipped in a couple more quick comments about self worth... they were ignored and I felt I had at least tried.
Times like this make me think: Why was I saved from this?
I too was 16 once, in "love" with a serious boyfriend, dabbling in drugs and alcohol, taking care of friends that didn't know when to stop. That and worse. I got myself into trouble that was far beyond my maturity level. Looking back, I feel older than I should.
My point though is that I can relate to both of my sisters in some way. Not perfectly, but somehow I have been there. I see Becca and she is where I was, I see Tara and she is where I could be. The difference is that something changed my life, I pursued something different from anyone in my family. Or something different finally caught my attention.
I say that because deep down I know that God actually pursued me. He tracked me down and refused to let me go without making me recognize Him. God saved me. He grabbed me, shook some sense into me and threw me onto a better path. But Why me and not them? I've always asked that.
Now I feel like maybe I'm asking the wrong question, as usual. Maybe He doesn't pursue certain people more than other, but all of us equally. So why was I more responsive to Him? Why did I hear Him and feel Him if He is after us all the same?
In Croatia in 2005 I was baptised in the Adriatic sea. Then when I lived in Bosnia, I was baptized in the Spirit. In this prayer, there was a lot of truth/encouragement whatever you would like to call it- prayed over me. Staci or Casey I don't remember who it was, kept saying God has amazing things in store for you. He is going to use you. You are here for a reason. blah blah blah.
I feel like they say things like that to everyone though. Isn't God going to use us all? Doesn't He have amazing things in store for all of His followers? I hope so...
What do I make of all this? I've always said "everything happens for a reason". Usually I really believe that and I feel that my life is a perfect example of it. A perfect example that all things that happen-good and bad-are just these insane chain reactions that lead to an amazing ending when you choose to be receptive to God's voice. Like a maze that had a million different routes, but still only one exit. Othertimes I say it and I'm like "what? that is stupid. Terrible awful things happen to people for a reason? What reason?" and I wonder how I can say- much less believe - such a crazy thing. I'm not going to pretend I understand it all... that's why it's called faith.
I guess people believe in crazier things.
Like Tom Cruise.
All in all, I'm happy my family and I are getting along.