I have spent the past 2 days living inside of my head, consumed by irrational thoughts and ridiculous commentary in regards to my surroundings.
I am home for break right now. " School Breaks" are always interesting in my life. Mostly because they are not breaks from anything except for homework, they mostly just add pain and stress to my life making me urn for a "life break" when I escape back to academia.
Today was one of those days that i would give anything to not be on a break. I woke up, slightly hung over from my evening before. the only thing I could do before work was get physically ill and slightly uncomfortable when thinking of what I've really been up to during this month of R&R began.
I analyzed everything today. And really, everything. From the way my manager spoke to the position of my fingers on the neck of a wine bottle as I opened it at a table, the way I glanced at myself in the mirror across the bar every time I walked by. Everything.
And do you want to know what I saw? hurt. So much hurt. Hurt in my own eyes staring back at me while I fixed my hair. Hurt in my customers eyes as they ordered yet another vodka on the rocks. Hurt in a friends eyes as they watched someone they loved love someone else. I was overwhelmingly sensitive to pain today.
And what do we do with this hurt? Daily we suppress it. We ignore it. We drink it away. We smoke it away. We work it off. We buy it off. We sweep it under the rug. We conform to the opinion that we can do it on our own. we can do anything we put our mind to, and if we can't- we are weak and pitiful. We do not need help, we are individuals.
We need so much help though. It's proven that even a smile from a friend can brighten our day. I heard this story once that a man jumped off the golden gate bridge-- he walked a couple of miles to get there, and in his suicide letter he wrote that if anyone smiled at him on his way to his death--- he would renig his decision. He would not commit suicide if he experienced a tiny bit of affection from another human being during that walk.
the man killed himself.
All I can do is cry, knowing how much I need love and affection from those around me right now. Me, dealing with miniscule problems on the grand scheme of things... I need so much from people. And yes, it's hard to admit that. So if I know that I need my friends and my family THIS much and I am dealing with so little-- I cannot imagine how much so many others are in need of love.
community. I experienced it for the first time last year when living in grand haven with the Vanhekkens. I cannot imagine my life without it, and I literally suffer when it's not a huge part of my life.
God had it all figured out- he knew what we needed. He knew from day 1 that people would rely on other people. That love would truly reign above all things. That's really all I can think about right now. Unconditional love. Community. Family. Trust. Compassion.
please don't tell me these things are non-existent.