I met someone. Someone I go to school with, and know of. But have never met before last week and do not know.
I am wary of him. He says he wants to know me. Says he will not miss out on this opportunity to know me. Says he is very excited about this. That I am a keeper. He wants me to go to a wedding with him. He told his sister about me. He tells me that I am beautiful, and sends me silly texts.
He is dangerous. Because he does not know me. And I am afraid he does not want to know me. But he knows what to say. And I want to give him the benefit of the doubt... he is making a large effort [or so it seems] that if all he wanted was attention, being who he is, he could [and is] getting it from a lot of other girls.
From what I wrote the other day... to have someone look me in the eye and say they will not let an opportunity to get to know me pass... speaks volumes. Words are precious. I am easily affected by things people say. Especially when there are already open wounds in my heart, that they are speaking healing words to [weather intentional or not].
I do not know this boy well. We drove around for awhile tonight, which forced us to talk, and it was awesome because I saw some of his true heart. He opened up about some of his fears, some of his goals, how other people see him, where his heart is at. He was quiet for awhile, said he was better at listening... then he just started opening up and the conversation flowed.
I like him. He has a strange hook that I can't put my finger on, but something about him has me. I think he knows that. But I'm not sold on it. He already asked me when we were going to start telling people about us. There is no us to tell about yet. We are just hanging out. What is the hurry? I expressed my fear of his question and the response was that I should not worry about what others think. That this situation is between him and I and we are the only ones that matter. He followed that with saying he wanted to tell everyone he knew about me.
Beginning to see something? A man speaking affirmation into a girl's soul. One who has a problem feeling good enough for someone. He says is that I am good enough, that I am beautiful enough, that I am worth it. And on the outside, I buy every word of it. But on the inside... it does not sit well. And it hurts. It hurts in too many ways to count.
I have heard of ways he treats girls from various people, one being a girl I am friends with and respect. Since I do not know him, and I don't really ever see him, I don't have a personal opinion on how he interacts with girls. But I should heed all warnings. Joel told me I could do better. I respect Joel's advice a lot.
Basically I just do not know what to do. Get to know him? Run away? I do not want to hurt him, I do not want to question his feelings, he has been hurt bad by girls in the past just as i have been hurt bad by guys... so of course I connect and I empathize and I want to encourage him... This could turn out to be something really good or this could turn out to be something very bad and very painful.
God take his place. Do not let me believe what he tells me. Only let me believe Your Truths. The things he says are true, but are not from his heart. He is right in saying that I am worth it, saying that I am special, but let me have discernment, Lord. Fill me. Be all I need.
3.31.2008
3.27.2008
Do I know you?
This past week I have realized that all I really want is to be known. I don't think that I am alone in this desire, I feel that is what humans in general want. We want people to want to know us. We long for something deeper in our relationships.
There is a lot I am dealing with that goes along with this idea, but what that brought me to was this question: If we all want people to know us, and we know we want to be known, why aren't more people being vulnerable and transparent in their relationships? [I am just as guilty as any of this...]
As much as we want to be known, we do not have the grace that God has for us. Once we have been hurt... the fear of being hurt is ingrained in us. Just like once we get burned on a stove, we never touch the stove again.
This idea recently connected with an issue I have with girls (guys can be guilt of this too). Girls so often look to guys for their fulfillment. We have that unfortunate curse of desiring our husbands, which I think often morphs into the problem of girls spending more time investing in guys than they do in girls. I see it all over, it is just as prominent in christian communities as it is in secular communities. I really am beginning to think that this issue is less about wanting attention from the opposite sex and more about wanting someone to know you and see deep into your soul and understand the root of who you are. Unfortunately, usually it is the opposite sex that wants to get to know you, and it is not always because they genuinely want to know who you are [although it is easy for us to convince ourselves of that]. So we have this person that wants to get to know us, we crave that kind of interaction, and if we are not discerning we will get hurt by seeing the truth of the situation all too late.
So that is the start of it all. Going back to females having this desire for their husbands... satan twists this desire so much that it becomes the root of a long line of problems from sexual immorality to self image to jealousy... everything.
It reminds me to be so careful of investing in males as friends and it especially makes me re-think dating. I feel like I do it all wrong all the time, and it is because I get caught up in someone wanting to know me. I do not frequently find girls that want to know and understand me the way guys do. This has come up even recently, which affirms my suspicion of girls motives for being my friend. Girls often want to know me because they want to figure me out. They often seem not genuinely interested in me, they want to know what I'm about, but also want to know why they are intimidated and intrigued by me. They are jealous, and they want to know why.
I often feel that I am not worth so much, so someone showing interest in who I am is so important to me-- I am drawn to that. It is just too bad that girls are caddy. [again, I am included in this] I have always had a lot of guy friends, the problem has always been that I cannot frequently keep those guy friends close to me, because their motive for wanting to know me are often to have more than a friendship-- even if they say it is not. It's funny because my closest guy friend is one I have dated in the past haha... and I am thankful for that situation because I can get close to him and I am never afraid he is investing in me for the wrong reasons.
We are sinful and broken people. We were made for community and in a lot of places it is not working the way that God created it to work. I often am crying out because even though I know God is all I need, I so often crave something more. Not crave someone else to fulfill what only God can, but something in addition to God- and that is community. We were made for it. It is why we urn to know and be known.
I think one of the greatest compliments is when people tell me that they feel safe to be themselves around me. That is what I want from others, so it makes sense that I love to be that for people. Vulnerability is so hard, it is humbling and sometimes breaking and painful, but it's also very beautiful and God always brings something amazing out of those times of vulnerability and transparency.
There is a lot I am dealing with that goes along with this idea, but what that brought me to was this question: If we all want people to know us, and we know we want to be known, why aren't more people being vulnerable and transparent in their relationships? [I am just as guilty as any of this...]
As much as we want to be known, we do not have the grace that God has for us. Once we have been hurt... the fear of being hurt is ingrained in us. Just like once we get burned on a stove, we never touch the stove again.
This idea recently connected with an issue I have with girls (guys can be guilt of this too). Girls so often look to guys for their fulfillment. We have that unfortunate curse of desiring our husbands, which I think often morphs into the problem of girls spending more time investing in guys than they do in girls. I see it all over, it is just as prominent in christian communities as it is in secular communities. I really am beginning to think that this issue is less about wanting attention from the opposite sex and more about wanting someone to know you and see deep into your soul and understand the root of who you are. Unfortunately, usually it is the opposite sex that wants to get to know you, and it is not always because they genuinely want to know who you are [although it is easy for us to convince ourselves of that]. So we have this person that wants to get to know us, we crave that kind of interaction, and if we are not discerning we will get hurt by seeing the truth of the situation all too late.
So that is the start of it all. Going back to females having this desire for their husbands... satan twists this desire so much that it becomes the root of a long line of problems from sexual immorality to self image to jealousy... everything.
It reminds me to be so careful of investing in males as friends and it especially makes me re-think dating. I feel like I do it all wrong all the time, and it is because I get caught up in someone wanting to know me. I do not frequently find girls that want to know and understand me the way guys do. This has come up even recently, which affirms my suspicion of girls motives for being my friend. Girls often want to know me because they want to figure me out. They often seem not genuinely interested in me, they want to know what I'm about, but also want to know why they are intimidated and intrigued by me. They are jealous, and they want to know why.
I often feel that I am not worth so much, so someone showing interest in who I am is so important to me-- I am drawn to that. It is just too bad that girls are caddy. [again, I am included in this] I have always had a lot of guy friends, the problem has always been that I cannot frequently keep those guy friends close to me, because their motive for wanting to know me are often to have more than a friendship-- even if they say it is not. It's funny because my closest guy friend is one I have dated in the past haha... and I am thankful for that situation because I can get close to him and I am never afraid he is investing in me for the wrong reasons.
We are sinful and broken people. We were made for community and in a lot of places it is not working the way that God created it to work. I often am crying out because even though I know God is all I need, I so often crave something more. Not crave someone else to fulfill what only God can, but something in addition to God- and that is community. We were made for it. It is why we urn to know and be known.
I think one of the greatest compliments is when people tell me that they feel safe to be themselves around me. That is what I want from others, so it makes sense that I love to be that for people. Vulnerability is so hard, it is humbling and sometimes breaking and painful, but it's also very beautiful and God always brings something amazing out of those times of vulnerability and transparency.
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