This past week I have realized that all I really want is to be known. I don't think that I am alone in this desire, I feel that is what humans in general want. We want people to want to know us. We long for something deeper in our relationships.
There is a lot I am dealing with that goes along with this idea, but what that brought me to was this question: If we all want people to know us, and we know we want to be known, why aren't more people being vulnerable and transparent in their relationships? [I am just as guilty as any of this...]
As much as we want to be known, we do not have the grace that God has for us. Once we have been hurt... the fear of being hurt is ingrained in us. Just like once we get burned on a stove, we never touch the stove again.
This idea recently connected with an issue I have with girls (guys can be guilt of this too). Girls so often look to guys for their fulfillment. We have that unfortunate curse of desiring our husbands, which I think often morphs into the problem of girls spending more time investing in guys than they do in girls. I see it all over, it is just as prominent in christian communities as it is in secular communities. I really am beginning to think that this issue is less about wanting attention from the opposite sex and more about wanting someone to know you and see deep into your soul and understand the root of who you are. Unfortunately, usually it is the opposite sex that wants to get to know you, and it is not always because they genuinely want to know who you are [although it is easy for us to convince ourselves of that]. So we have this person that wants to get to know us, we crave that kind of interaction, and if we are not discerning we will get hurt by seeing the truth of the situation all too late.
So that is the start of it all. Going back to females having this desire for their husbands... satan twists this desire so much that it becomes the root of a long line of problems from sexual immorality to self image to jealousy... everything.
It reminds me to be so careful of investing in males as friends and it especially makes me re-think dating. I feel like I do it all wrong all the time, and it is because I get caught up in someone wanting to know me. I do not frequently find girls that want to know and understand me the way guys do. This has come up even recently, which affirms my suspicion of girls motives for being my friend. Girls often want to know me because they want to figure me out. They often seem not genuinely interested in me, they want to know what I'm about, but also want to know why they are intimidated and intrigued by me. They are jealous, and they want to know why.
I often feel that I am not worth so much, so someone showing interest in who I am is so important to me-- I am drawn to that. It is just too bad that girls are caddy. [again, I am included in this] I have always had a lot of guy friends, the problem has always been that I cannot frequently keep those guy friends close to me, because their motive for wanting to know me are often to have more than a friendship-- even if they say it is not. It's funny because my closest guy friend is one I have dated in the past haha... and I am thankful for that situation because I can get close to him and I am never afraid he is investing in me for the wrong reasons.
We are sinful and broken people. We were made for community and in a lot of places it is not working the way that God created it to work. I often am crying out because even though I know God is all I need, I so often crave something more. Not crave someone else to fulfill what only God can, but something in addition to God- and that is community. We were made for it. It is why we urn to know and be known.
I think one of the greatest compliments is when people tell me that they feel safe to be themselves around me. That is what I want from others, so it makes sense that I love to be that for people. Vulnerability is so hard, it is humbling and sometimes breaking and painful, but it's also very beautiful and God always brings something amazing out of those times of vulnerability and transparency.