Latley I've really been missing home, missing the way things were. I've been living in the past, rather than in the moment.
It's easy to think of how great things used to be when things aren't really going well. That's kind of whats been going on in my head. I really am not sure why I am at school. I love the school part, but I'm not good with the social aspect of things. I desire relationships but I'm socially retarted and very lazy... it's a curse. I don't want the fake relatoinships with people that aren't interested in getting involved and don't care about making a difference or establishing deep and lasting friendships. But I'm attracted to those people.
So it's my favorite time of year. I love the fall :) Every song I hear that's related to a memory makes me cry. I don't understand what my deal is. I've never been like this. I'm always looking forward to the future. I think I like the future TOO much actually! I was always anxious for the next step of life. Now I just want things to go backwards.
I was telling stories of my family last night with my "little sister" leah and it was such a good time. I just wanted to cry because I felt so blessed by my family. It feels so good to have silly memories to share with people. I love my family! It's really hard being away from them... I never thought it would be like this. Never.
I'm listening to a song right now and the chorus is "Do you know what you are getting yourself into". It's a christian song describing the relatoinship with Christ. And that's what I seriously ask myself sometimes DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO? Because being a christian requires so much more than people think. It's more than going to church on sundays. A lot of times I dont even go to church on sundays. It's about loving and sacrifice and following God's plan. So this is God's plan for me, and right now I think it sucks and I don't know what the point is or what He has is store for me. But I just have to stay strong and rely on Him, knowing that He has my past present and future planned out already if I'm willing to let Him guide me.
That's what I'm getting myself into. A blind tunnel, with no light. Theres a balance beam down the middle and I'm supposed to hold God's hand and walk the beam, but when I let go, I can only balance for a little bit before I fall off or grab someone else to keep me up. Either way, I have to reach for God again or I'll end up lost in a dark tunnel.


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