"I am a house.."

Close your eyes and visualize every house you have stepped foot in.

Your grandmother's house. Your best friend's house. The house of the wealthy couple that lives down the street. Each one is unique in it's own way. Weather it's the smell, the front door, the number of rooms, the decor, the era it was built... on and on. To dig even deeper, each room has it's own personality. The game room, the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage.

Now think of yourself. Think of the different seasons of your life. Every season of your life is unique yet still unified under the category of "your life". Somewhat similar to the way each room in a house is unique, yet still under the same category of "a house." 

In every season of life, there are people that are specifically linked to it. These people may impact your life positively or negatively, it's not really important how... the point is that they did. And when you grow up or rather, move on... these people leave your life. They leave that season, they walk out of the room, the move out of the house.

But they always forget to take something with them. They always leave something behind, something with you that is left in that era of your personal history weather you realize it or not. So you are left with an empty room that is rarely re-visited except upon reminiscence, where you find it contains only a lived-in personality and the very thing that person left behind.

I am spending the entire semester capturing this very idea.

Photographing rooms of a house, a lived in house, each room empty, capturing the beauty of each space in natural light with color film. Within each vacant room there will be an item left behind that adds a piece of personality and anomaly to the room, resulting in viewer/photo interaction causing the viewer wonder what that object is, who left it, why is it there, what does it represent, how do I relate to that....

Hopefully it beings a sense of connection with ones present and past. Striking a cord with each person as they connect with a vacant room they refuses to enter or a room they are afraid to leave.

I am a house.

Each room represent a piece of my life.

Every object is a significant contribution to that piece of my life.

Happiness

It's interesting to me that the majority of my entries are ones written in times of sorrow or despair. I would really like to change that.

So here... is an entry of happiness!

I was home again a week and half ago for my dad's birthday. It really was an amazing weekend. I've been praying so long and so hard for some kind of unity in my family, and for a day I got what I wished for. My sisters and I (BOTH sisters!) got along famously. We joked and teased eachother, we watched a movie and shared food at the restaurant we went to. We joked with my dad and laughed about how old he was. He played along and pretended to be senile... but in the end still payed for dinner, even though it was us who were supposed to take him out. :) (haha... I love being a college student.)

I got in my car on sunday, all packed up and ready to go. And I had that feeling in my heart. That burning, gut churning feeling that you are not ready to part with the time you've been blessed with? THAT feeling. And it was, take note, the first time in a very. very long time, that I have thought twice about walking out of my life at home and returning to the one I have at school.

I drove back to IWU, trying to find all the time in the world that I could return homet

Finally, I wanted to be home.

I am back at school now, and I'm sort of stuck. I want to go back home, but am too poor to do so. And really... it's ok. Because I am busy with school work and this is where I need to be and its really the only place I know I need to be. I don't even want to be off campus. I just want to be here, in my academic paradise.

Another reason for the contentment of my location is due to the changes that I am in the midst of making right now. The Lord has been tugging so hard at my heart... challenging me to step up and stop living in the lies that satan feeds me. I continually believe that I'm just not a "good girl". That I am bad, and defiant, and rebellious and I have to live up to that name. But I'm so tired of feeling like I have to be that way, because I don't. I may be a bit defiant at times, but I'm not a total rebel. I'm not a bad girl or a bad person. I don't really mind rules, and I want to be a part of the campus, and I want to set an example. A good one.

And of course, God knows that deep down this is what my heart desires. So He convicts. And convicts. And convicts. Until the only choice I have left is response. 

I'm responding. Responding a bit... radically really. I'm cutting a lot out of my life. I've tried the whole "moderation" or "cut back" game. "...I'll only drink on special occasions. I'll only be around people that are making bad choices sometimes. I'll only smoke one cigarette, and that's only if other people are. I'll only bend the rules a couple times a week. I'll only skip class this one time. " Well needless to say that has been my mentality for too long. I got a little too excited about being 21 over christmas break and now am poor and sickened by the thought of another night filled with alcohol. Although I did not drink excessively, I drank frequently and I'm ready to throw that behind me. Oh yes and it's also a rule. A contract that I signed that I wouldn't partake in that kind of thing... and I'm guilty of breaching that contract.

So no smoking finally, which just feels good because it's just unnecessary. Although, I know at times I will fall in and have one or two. I just want to be careful. So no drinking, no bars, no parties that involve drinking, no spending 100% of my time off campus, no leaving every weekend to escape. None of that. Just IWU. I'm here, I'm here to learn, invest and be invested in. And that is what I am doing. 

And I love it :)

Burning Bridges

I seem to be less than popular in recent days. And of course facebook is part of the reason for dislike. This may seem trivial, but it's really something bigger.

To go through the list: My younger sister has deleted my from her friends list because of a blog she wrote all about me and how much she didn't like me. I found the blog... commented of course. And sent a copy to my dad. becauseI didn't know what to do... there was an entire paragraph of her venting on her dislike of  our family situation. And then her hatred for me and how I am the reason she hates religion. I've never been so hurt and... confused. Now I can't access her profile so she can write blogs about me all she wants and I can no longer defend myself.

Another event occurred when some people I know who on a daily basis proclaim their faith, were completely bashing and disrespecting a very good friend of mine (via facebook). I was so outraged. The people that walk around telling everyone how much they love following Christ were hurting people I loved on purpose and laughing at the aftermath. I commented on their wonderful Christlike attitudes and love filled actions. 

Another bridge burned...

It's just stupid. The politics behind the internet. And the amount of time I spend on there wallowing in some form of self-doubt, envy, or hatred. It's probably ruining my life. 

I mean, that could be extreme, but really- it could be ruining my life.

This week, my first week of classes, has been really hard. I'm really overwhelmed by the loads of work 400 level classes consist of, the pressure of finding an internship for the summer, the burden of finances, the hurt of my broken family, the hurt of my broken-self. Trying to live my life like as a normal student, have a social life, and piece major parts of my life back together is making for a heavy fresh start. I just can't do it solo.

And He knows I can't do it. Which is why things continue to fall apart... because I can't trust.

I'm slowly creeping back toward escapism. I'm going to South Korea with Jom for spring break ( I know, right?!) to visit our friend Eric and all I want to do is lose myself in another country and never return. Just run from my family and make them figure out how to get along for themselves, leave my friends to their private lives, leave everything and just immerse myself in adventure, love, and helping others.

Yea.... I have to immerse myself in helping and loving those around me right now. And those around me, are those that hurt me the most. And I have to love them. And I have to help them. And I have to pray for them. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to do any of that alone.

But of course, as organized as I am, I have a plan :) It starts with patching up my trust issues, or rather, allowing Him to fix my trust issues so I can trust in HIM to give me the energy to love my family and my friends and maybe, just MAYBE, help them see the ray of light at the end of the black tunnel they love to wander through. maybe.

I cannot limit the power of such an amazing God. And I cannot be so prideful to assume He would actually use me and my sinful nature to do such a thing as lead the most important people in my life to Christ.

humility.