To go through the list: My younger sister has deleted my from her friends list because of a blog she wrote all about me and how much she didn't like me. I found the blog... commented of course. And sent a copy to my dad. becauseI didn't know what to do... there was an entire paragraph of her venting on her dislike of our family situation. And then her hatred for me and how I am the reason she hates religion. I've never been so hurt and... confused. Now I can't access her profile so she can write blogs about me all she wants and I can no longer defend myself.
Another event occurred when some people I know who on a daily basis proclaim their faith, were completely bashing and disrespecting a very good friend of mine (via facebook). I was so outraged. The people that walk around telling everyone how much they love following Christ were hurting people I loved on purpose and laughing at the aftermath. I commented on their wonderful Christlike attitudes and love filled actions.
Another bridge burned...
It's just stupid. The politics behind the internet. And the amount of time I spend on there wallowing in some form of self-doubt, envy, or hatred. It's probably ruining my life.
I mean, that could be extreme, but really- it could be ruining my life.
This week, my first week of classes, has been really hard. I'm really overwhelmed by the loads of work 400 level classes consist of, the pressure of finding an internship for the summer, the burden of finances, the hurt of my broken family, the hurt of my broken-self. Trying to live my life like as a normal student, have a social life, and piece major parts of my life back together is making for a heavy fresh start. I just can't do it solo.
And He knows I can't do it. Which is why things continue to fall apart... because I can't trust.
I'm slowly creeping back toward escapism. I'm going to South Korea with Jom for spring break ( I know, right?!) to visit our friend Eric and all I want to do is lose myself in another country and never return. Just run from my family and make them figure out how to get along for themselves, leave my friends to their private lives, leave everything and just immerse myself in adventure, love, and helping others.
Yea.... I have to immerse myself in helping and loving those around me right now. And those around me, are those that hurt me the most. And I have to love them. And I have to help them. And I have to pray for them. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to do any of that alone.
But of course, as organized as I am, I have a plan :) It starts with patching up my trust issues, or rather, allowing Him to fix my trust issues so I can trust in HIM to give me the energy to love my family and my friends and maybe, just MAYBE, help them see the ray of light at the end of the black tunnel they love to wander through. maybe.
I cannot limit the power of such an amazing God. And I cannot be so prideful to assume He would actually use me and my sinful nature to do such a thing as lead the most important people in my life to Christ.