So here... is an entry of happiness!
I was home again a week and half ago for my dad's birthday. It really was an amazing weekend. I've been praying so long and so hard for some kind of unity in my family, and for a day I got what I wished for. My sisters and I (BOTH sisters!) got along famously. We joked and teased eachother, we watched a movie and shared food at the restaurant we went to. We joked with my dad and laughed about how old he was. He played along and pretended to be senile... but in the end still payed for dinner, even though it was us who were supposed to take him out. :) (haha... I love being a college student.)
I got in my car on sunday, all packed up and ready to go. And I had that feeling in my heart. That burning, gut churning feeling that you are not ready to part with the time you've been blessed with? THAT feeling. And it was, take note, the first time in a very. very long time, that I have thought twice about walking out of my life at home and returning to the one I have at school.
I drove back to IWU, trying to find all the time in the world that I could return homet
Finally, I wanted to be home.
I am back at school now, and I'm sort of stuck. I want to go back home, but am too poor to do so. And really... it's ok. Because I am busy with school work and this is where I need to be and its really the only place I know I need to be. I don't even want to be off campus. I just want to be here, in my academic paradise.
Another reason for the contentment of my location is due to the changes that I am in the midst of making right now. The Lord has been tugging so hard at my heart... challenging me to step up and stop living in the lies that satan feeds me. I continually believe that I'm just not a "good girl". That I am bad, and defiant, and rebellious and I have to live up to that name. But I'm so tired of feeling like I have to be that way, because I don't. I may be a bit defiant at times, but I'm not a total rebel. I'm not a bad girl or a bad person. I don't really mind rules, and I want to be a part of the campus, and I want to set an example. A good one.
And of course, God knows that deep down this is what my heart desires. So He convicts. And convicts. And convicts. Until the only choice I have left is response.
I'm responding. Responding a bit... radically really. I'm cutting a lot out of my life. I've tried the whole "moderation" or "cut back" game. "...I'll only drink on special occasions. I'll only be around people that are making bad choices sometimes. I'll only smoke one cigarette, and that's only if other people are. I'll only bend the rules a couple times a week. I'll only skip class this one time. " Well needless to say that has been my mentality for too long. I got a little too excited about being 21 over christmas break and now am poor and sickened by the thought of another night filled with alcohol. Although I did not drink excessively, I drank frequently and I'm ready to throw that behind me. Oh yes and it's also a rule. A contract that I signed that I wouldn't partake in that kind of thing... and I'm guilty of breaching that contract.
So no smoking finally, which just feels good because it's just unnecessary. Although, I know at times I will fall in and have one or two. I just want to be careful. So no drinking, no bars, no parties that involve drinking, no spending 100% of my time off campus, no leaving every weekend to escape. None of that. Just IWU. I'm here, I'm here to learn, invest and be invested in. And that is what I am doing.
And I love it :)