Ache

Do you ever get that feeling in your stomach, like that sick feeling of anxiety mixed with nerves mixed with hurt and lots of stomach acid? That is the feeling that has been sitting in my gut for 2 days. It gets better, then worse, then better again. But it's there. It's almost like this familiar feeling of satan unleashing his destruction on my life.

Nothing is falling apart, but hurt is flowing like a river. Hurt that God will take and use for something so good, but right now all we can see is the problem at our noses.

I went out to a field today with a friend. There was this huge pile of old trees, trash, rocks, whatever. And I stood on this mound and just looked around me and my first thought was... wow this is so gross. Look at all of this shit everywhere. Does no one care? How did it get here? Why isn't it being taken care of? And then as I watched, I saw a rabbit come out of the "trash heap" And I saw little animals in the water around it, and I saw birds nests galore within the pile of trees. I saw rejuvenation. I saw healing in a potentially destructive situation. I saw a perfect metaphor for my life. In this time, God presented me with an opportunity to confide in a friend, and I passed it up because I allowed myself to be afraid of vulnerability. Everything in me wanted to talk and let out a long string of emotions that I knew she could relate to, and I didn't. Because I believed that I couldn't trust her with my heart. I believed I couldn't trust her with my feelings. So I said nothing. And because of my lack of vulnerability, I feel the hurt in my heart could penetrate us both.

I am in the midst of learning a long line of lessons. It started with a comment that a couple girls I know are only getting to know me because they are jealous of who I am. It made me face the way I really felt about jealousy, and I learned that jealousy is one thing that affects me a little different than other people. Some would be flattered by jealousy. Because it usually means that you have something that someone else wants and envies you because of it. When someone is jealous of me it hurts, because I know what it is like to have that emotion toward another person, and it can be so destructive. It can rip a person apart if they are not careful. I do not ever ever want to be the cause of any kind of feeling like that.

It also makes me feel, that if someone is jealous of me, it is because they don't know me. And they probably don't know me because I have not let them in or given them an opportunity to even want to get to know me. Because I walk around this campus with my head held high above the walls I spent 20 years building around me.

So from girls. and jealousy. to people. and connections. My post earlier goes into a little depth in this. I long for community. This is no surprise to me. I have little family, no spiritual family, the church has to fulfill it's role and be that for me. Community is my family.

So from people. and connections. to males. and interactions. I am not stupid. I am not naive. But I am a people pleaser. [also a new thing to me] I don't want people to be unhappy. I accommodate them. I love them. I want to do things for them. And when there is a guy in that place, it is not always the best situation. Because if a guy knows exactly what to say and when to say something... aka a charmer, smooth, manipulative, whatever you want to call it, I recognize the situation from day 1. I see it. I discuss it with myself in my head in the midst of every uncomfortable situation. Yet I do nothing. Because I know to confront that situation, means someone will be unhappy and someone's actions will be challenged. And it won't be mine. When people are challenged they are often defensive. I can usually tell what type of person will and will not be defensive in a situation where their motives and actions are being questioned. So rahter than stand up for my self worth, and show the respect I have for myself, I let little things slide, thinking I am strong enough to handle the aftermath so as not to upset the person in front of me. I protect, from all the wrong things. I am almost an enabler.

Honesty is the one trait in this whole realm of lessons that has remained in tact. I do not feel as though I have been dishonest with myself or with those around me. And that feels really good. Even though it has been difficult a couple of times to be straight-forward with the truth, I am able to face the situation rather than ignore it for another day. I am not afraid of confrontation, but I hate conflict. If someone is wronging me, and especially wronging someone else, I am not afraid to talk to them about it, but I hate the aftermath. The conflict. The mess that I cannot clean up.