Love makes people do crazy things.

it is 4am.

I have spent the past 2 days living inside of my head, consumed by irrational thoughts and ridiculous commentary in regards to my surroundings. 

I am home for break right now. " School Breaks" are always interesting in my life. Mostly because they are not breaks from anything except for homework, they mostly just add pain and stress to my life making me urn for a "life break" when I escape back to academia. 

Today was one of those days that i would give anything to not be on a break. I woke up, slightly hung over from my evening before. the only thing I could do before work was get physically ill and slightly uncomfortable when thinking of what I've really been up to during this month of R&R began.

I analyzed everything today. And really, everything. From the way my manager spoke to the position of my fingers on the neck of a wine bottle as I opened it at a table, the way I glanced at myself in the mirror across the bar every time I walked by. Everything.

And do you want to know what I saw? hurt. So much hurt. Hurt in my own eyes staring back at me while I fixed my hair. Hurt in my customers eyes as they ordered yet another vodka on the rocks. Hurt in a friends eyes as they watched someone they loved love someone else. I was overwhelmingly sensitive to pain today.

And what do we do with this hurt? Daily we suppress it. We ignore it. We drink it away. We smoke it away. We work it off. We buy it off. We sweep it under the rug. We conform to the opinion that we can do it on our own. we can do anything we put our mind to, and if we can't- we are weak and pitiful. We do not need help, we are individuals. 

We need so much help though. It's proven that even a smile from a friend can brighten our day. I heard this story once that a man jumped off the golden gate bridge-- he walked a couple of miles to get there, and in his suicide letter he wrote that if anyone smiled at him on his way to his death--- he would renig his decision. He would not commit suicide if he experienced a tiny bit of affection from another human being during that walk. 

the man killed himself.

All I can do is cry, knowing how much I need love and affection from those around me right now. Me, dealing with miniscule problems on the grand scheme of things... I need so much from people. And yes, it's hard to admit that. So if I know that I need my friends and my family THIS much and I am dealing with so little-- I cannot imagine how much so many others are in need of love.

community. I experienced it for the first time last year when living in grand haven with the Vanhekkens. I cannot imagine my life without it, and I literally suffer when it's not a huge part of my life.

God had it all figured out- he knew what we needed. He knew from day 1 that people would rely on other people. That love would truly reign above all things. That's really all I can think about right now. Unconditional love. Community. Family. Trust. Compassion. 

please don't tell me these things are non-existent.

Inspiration.

I am wrestling with some potential concepts right now. Gotta get em out...

Photography, using a vandyke brown printing process

shooting with 4x5 59 polaroid film. (love polaroids.)

Shoot portraits in the studio, lighting style... somewhat high-key.

shadows, limited detail.

print with vandyke process.

after first fix-- take a paintbrush with water, maybe acid? and paint out faces.

Take about... 6-8 polaroids?? use 3 in final.

dry mount and float.

concept: the feeling of just being another person. Like a leaf, they are all leaves, even though they are different. You see one, you see them all unless you stop to really appreciate what each one has to offer. Thats what this series is going to be like. Each one is going to look like the other, just a little bit different-- You can't really tell what each one has to offer until you stop and look at them each individually. You will notice, they are different people. They are holding different things, they are wearing different shirts. Little, but significant details.

Polaroid lift.

again use potraits. (can be digital though.) still high key.

Make into a lift and put onto transparency paper and sew ontop of another image or cloth.

mount on all-natural board.

Concept: still working... But I want to try to find or make the photo go on top of images or cloth that is like the person that is being photographed. example: my dad... I would put his photograph on top of something cold, steel looking. My younger sister... something kind of gothic, rebellious, out of the norm. My older sister... something sad. something.... insecure? not sure how i would work that one. Or... put the polaroids over images of addictions. My dad-- a cigarette. My sister- a piece of cake. My other sister- a book. Myself- a car. Then a blank one in the middle. Just a fuzzy plain lift, over a picture of something that dissapears? something.... like a ghost. Working it out.

Not sure how to mount this yet.... working. working. working. It will come to me.

Evolution

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime~ and falling in at night." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

---> has evolved into something much more hopeful :)

Where you used to be, there is no longer a hole in the world, but just a little divot which I find myself constantly annoyed by in the daytime, and easily stepping over at night. 

    I had a really wonderful weekend. I got to spend the entire weekend with Jamee. And really-- entire. We woke up together (haha... yes I sleep in her bed) and got lunch, layed around, went shopping, ate dinner, relaxed on the couch. It was much needed time with my bestest. 

As for the remaining areas of my life, I have taken the advice of the Beatles- let it be. There is so much I can't control, so much I can't predict, all I can do is just let it be, leave it alone, embrace it and take it for what it is. When you follow this rule of living... everything becomes easier to walk with. So much of what I was grasping I have let fall in the midst of my steps. I can look behind me and see the remains of what I dropped just meters before, and in no way am I tempted to run back and pick it up. I'm leaving it for the birds. It's almost gratifying to see it decay in the road.

I am still your average girl. I cry about irrational situations, I am plagued by the dreamer's disease, and am in love day in and day out :) I would have it no other way. I have opened the curtain and discovered the true and somewhat pathetic identity of the wizard. He has no role. He has no place in my head, and definitely no control of my heart.

Then who the hell was I?

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer


I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall


I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines


Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split


I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines


Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

_"skinny love" by Bon Iver_

High

     I am engulfed in my own emotion right now. Unexplainably and painfully consumed. 

Bon Iver's poetic sorrow and despair is the only thing that's connecting with me. Not that I am living a life of sorrow and despair... not at all in actuality, but my heart is heavy. It's bleeding. It's ready to be removed from my sleeve and placed back into it's protective case of brittle ribs.

    Skinny love... I posted the lyrics right before this. "So who the hell was I?" is what has been running through my head repeatedly. It's a question I want to seriously yell in the face of the wizard behind the curtain of my defeat. I have come to the realization that I am just another her. Another routine, the same lines, the same emotions spat in my face without a hint of hesitation. Convincing? Yes. Very. True? I'd like to know the same...

    So where does this leave one. How do you mend the wounds and heal the scars of an accident that everyone walked away from but you? I'm agonizing over this stupid unknown. What was I? What does this make me? Did I really, seriously allow myself to love a lie?

       Hmmm.... with us emotion ran so high. The emotion made me high.... It was a very emotional high. A high I'm withdrawing from, and time is the only rehab.

     One could probably accuse me of being dramatic right now.... but for once; It's completely legit. 

"so who the hell was I?"

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime- and falling in at night." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

This concept of moving...

okay, I've got this idea. It just came to me today.
Everyone that's been anyone in my life has moved or I have moved away from.
Here is the list.
connie and shane: we moved away from
BF in 4th grade katherine: moved
Dad: moved down the street
sister graudated: moved to Kzoo
First love brandon: moved to WA
friend neissa: moved to VA
friend josh: moved to IL
mentor and family i lived with: moved to FL
Trent: moved to TN
mother... moving to FL

all of these people had a pretty significant role in my life.
So what I am going to do with this is analyze the concept of moving.
Analyze it and turn it into a conept piece for my photography.
how? i have no clue. It's in the works. But I'm going to take this and make it into something beautiful.
thats all :)

Florida

It's been a couple months since I have "blogged".
I can say things are perking up a bit since the last depressing entry. Trent is no longer haunting me. This has been a recent freedom. Im realizing it was so hard for me to walk away because that was the first time I was actually affected so deeply by another person. We knew eachother on a different level than normal, and that's a hard thing to have and then to leave behind. But I'm walking in truth. I know he was not the one for me. I can look back and confidently say, I want something more than that. :) And that feels good. I'm glad though, that he was a part of my life. He helped me to unerstand a lot about how I relate with people and how I connect with them. I'm learning to be more vounerable, more of me, even if it hurts.

So now. I'm still at the WU. Not really loving it, but confident it is where I belong for the time being. At the end of this month, my mom is moving to Florida. Yea... she's moving to live with the man she dated in high school/ had been having an affair with the past couple years. It sounds a lot worse when I say it out loud, i"m just coming to grips with this reality of my family. It could be much worse, but it's strange to see the dysfunction. So my mom's moving, little becca (just turned 15) is going to live with my dad who is staying in michigan. She is going to live the school year out here, then make the decision of Florida or Michigan from there. Luckily my dad took that decision from her for the time being. He's stepping up finally, it's good to see him involved in something reguarding his children.

Not again

"I don't want to do this again"
But I did.

When the school year was over I had high expectations for the summer. Living in GH with amazing women of God, close to SLWC, my friends, great job, perfect guy etc.
I think I should start setting my expectations lower, because then they have no place to go but up because the high expectations for the summer... doomed me. In retrospect I believe I will look back on this sumer and see all the good in it, but right now I'm just saddened by the feelings I was overwhelmed with these past few months.
On a good note;
There has been loads of growth. The most important thing I found out about myself this summer is that I am an accomodater. Yea... not something I'm too proud of. Basically this means I'd rather just let things go, let things happen because I feel that if there are going to be any reprocussions of a situation- I am strong enough to handle them rather than put my foot down or speak up and "dissapoint" someone. I've watched my mom do it for my dad my whole life. Apparently, I thought that's just what women do for men. shit.
Guess I need to work on that. It's almost like a self respect thing. I also found out I lack a bit of that as well.
So as the new school year creeps up on me, I have new expectations. They are still high, so I haven't really learned from my mistake, but I'm excited about it all. I'm a little worried of going back to IWU because of the memories that involve trent. He was only around for a short time of my life... months really. But in those months- I can't even explain the attachment we had or the things we went through together. It's really hard for me to know that is over and it just ended so abrubtly. I guess it was a gradual event that led to our break up, but it really seems like it was just sudden. Then it went from bad to worse, I told him we had to cut contact for a while. This is hard because all I want to do is talk to him or see him. Anything. He's haunting me right now and it hurts. This is the first break up I've had that I walked away feeling truly heart broken. It's really painful. The most important piece of truth I have recieved this year though is from Song of Solomon: "Do not awaken love until it so desires".
I'm hoping school will at least mask the pain until I can figure out what to do with my life and where to go etc. etc. I'm mentoring this year, that is really exciting for me. I'm close to Jamee and Jess and Jordyn- that is also exciting. Oh yes... and my 21st birthday is on its way. So... we will see.
I have much to look forward to. I am only 20 after all.

Relate.

it true
i have no need for tears
no need for arguments
no need for secrets,

because everyone found me out
i have no reason to hide
anymore.

just like i have no reason to doubt
the love of my three sisters
and the love of my sleeping parents
the love of those who are close to me

As if a song
could make up for all the things I have done
but this is what I know.
This is what's familiar
And i'm trying my best
for love

cuz thats something for worth fighting for,
yea thats some thing worth fighting for,

and something im not without.
but no one seems to listen
no one gives a shit, anymore.

and I am lost for love.

Lord we want to give you everything
Lord we want to say we're sorry

but not now.
Lord not now
But not now.

Lord not now.

[Rodeo Ruby Love "it's true"]


All I can say is I'm sorry.

Hollywood.

It's weird to be here right now... In Florida that is.
First of all because of the obvious change in temperature,30s to 80s... yea. That's nice! It's different here though, I didn't remember howdifferent it was. Last time I was in Hollywood I was like 9 years old though.
This is my first spring break too.
And I'm 20.
And I have a tattoo on my arm.
It's only a week old.
And I don't think people really like it.
I love it :)

I have a strong nastalgic feeling being here right now...The smell and the humidity outside remind me of a time Josh and I were on the porch when I lived at the vanhekkens... it was probly this time of year b/c the snow was melting, it was like high 50s outside and there was a ton of fog coming off of the snow.
It was later in the evening, 10 or 11 o'clock.
We just sat on the porch and planned out our lifes.
We prayed.
We marveled in God's presence.
We enjoyed eachother.
I think that will go down as one of my favorite memories of Josh and I. I guess that's part of the problem.. it will just go down as another random memory in my mind. Josh will never be a part of my life again, not like that. Maybe we'll be friends. Maybe not. I may never talk to him again.
So much time... why?
I think I miss him for the first time.
And... now I'm over it ;)
I will admit, sometimes I wish he had been the one.
I'm just afraid to do this again. I know I'm young, and we were only together a short period of time. But so much investment was made.
So many hard times were lulled.
So much baggage was packed.
So many laughs were had.
So many memories were made.
And the damn ring...
I don't think I want a diamond anymore.

It All Went Down

You think You've got it
until there's nothing left.

You hold on to what would be the remains,
trying to recall when it all went
down
down
down.

You can't.
But it did.

So now you hold onto vapors.
Not because they're there,
but because you need something.
Anything.

You think You lost it,
But it was never there to begin with.