My uncle likes gospel music

These past few days have been out of control. Not physically, physically I look like a huge loner, but emotionally. I've been all over the place.
It started with some lonliness. which led to God revealing a lot about His plan for me through a convo with a new friend. From there it went to closure from a past relationship, who's door had been jammed open for 10 months- finally we were able to close it, gently. But it's closed and locked. From there I spend some much needed time with friends and got to see my family. At my grandmother's birthday party she had a stroke though, and she ended up going to the hospital. So I didnt' get to spend too much time with the family talking about anything really, but the incident brought us all together in a sense. My dad drove around his old neighborhood on the way to get the potato salad from my aunt's house. (Why did we need potato salad when grandma was in the hospital?) He showed us his old "stompin grounds" and where some of his friends' lived. It was a nice little reminiscient moment. My dad doesn't do that too often.
My uncle brought me back to school today. My grandma got flown to Toledo Ohio because she had bleeding in her head.. not sure how she's going to end up but I think she will be okay. I hope anyway. But my uncle brought me back to school and it was almost silent on the drive, until we got really close to school and he asked me if I ever watched the religious channel on TV. I said no, i dont have TV at school. He said he watched it, that he really liked the gospel music. That was somewhat bizzare for me to hear considering I'd never heard my uncle talk about religion except when using the Lord's name in vain. It was a clear reminder that a lot of people know who God is, and they are in fact drawn to Him. Espeically in times of need. The only purpose I may have is to be the connector between their desire and their first step towards God's outstretched arms. I feel good about that. If that's the only purpose I'll ever serve, and I serve it well- I would feel like I fulfilled a full life.



Latley I've really been missing home, missing the way things were. I've been living in the past, rather than in the moment.
It's easy to think of how great things used to be when things aren't really going well. That's kind of whats been going on in my head. I really am not sure why I am at school. I love the school part, but I'm not good with the social aspect of things. I desire relationships but I'm socially retarted and very lazy... it's a curse. I don't want the fake relatoinships with people that aren't interested in getting involved and don't care about making a difference or establishing deep and lasting friendships. But I'm attracted to those people.
So it's my favorite time of year. I love the fall :) Every song I hear that's related to a memory makes me cry. I don't understand what my deal is. I've never been like this. I'm always looking forward to the future. I think I like the future TOO much actually! I was always anxious for the next step of life. Now I just want things to go backwards.
I was telling stories of my family last night with my "little sister" leah and it was such a good time. I just wanted to cry because I felt so blessed by my family. It feels so good to have silly memories to share with people. I love my family! It's really hard being away from them... I never thought it would be like this. Never.
I'm listening to a song right now and the chorus is "Do you know what you are getting yourself into". It's a christian song describing the relatoinship with Christ. And that's what I seriously ask myself sometimes DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO? Because being a christian requires so much more than people think. It's more than going to church on sundays. A lot of times I dont even go to church on sundays. It's about loving and sacrifice and following God's plan. So this is God's plan for me, and right now I think it sucks and I don't know what the point is or what He has is store for me. But I just have to stay strong and rely on Him, knowing that He has my past present and future planned out already if I'm willing to let Him guide me.
That's what I'm getting myself into. A blind tunnel, with no light. Theres a balance beam down the middle and I'm supposed to hold God's hand and walk the beam, but when I let go, I can only balance for a little bit before I fall off or grab someone else to keep me up. Either way, I have to reach for God again or I'll end up lost in a dark tunnel.