mama telephone

Hear the cackle
through the speaker of the telephone

voice of an adulteress
coming through the other end.
is this how you’re going to spend
the entirety of your second childhood?

Oh Lee don’t you know
this is life- reality
it’s not a show
so hang up the phone.
Just hang up the phone.

The only eyes covered by the
wool are yours
don’t you see?
Oh wait. You can’t.
But why won’t you see??

Wait for the dial tone
through the speaker of the telephone.
You know it’s on it’s way.
The backhand of surprise-
Only it’s not one.

Laugh of the adulterer
stinging the ears on the other end.
Is this how your going to spend
the entirety of your life?

Oh Lee don’t you know
didn’t they tell you
it’s over.
Wish you would have seen.
So hang up the phone
just hang up the phone.



Driving by feel rather than by sight-
I'm guided by the vibrations of the bearings below.
Never wanting the road to end,
Never wanting the journey to start.

I can't stop from crying
anymore than I can stop from loving
the beauty that unfolds before my eyes;
little miracles that hold immeasurable mystery.

Questions overwhelm
like laughter in the coffee shop
when you're trying to get something done;
you're distracted by wondering who the joke is on.

The joke is on you.

Life's spontaneous blessings remind me daily
of the thing I'm living for.
The One I'm living for-
And that, kind sir, is undeniable.


Lucky little treasures

So being at home and not working and all gives me a lot of free time. I've been looking through all of my things... finding lots and lots of surprises.
I found THREE books full of poems. I got really excited. i used to love to write. I don't know what happened. but there is a turning going on in my life right now. And i'm going to start remembering that i love to write.

heres a couple of the most recent i found

I stand yellow tall and proud
infesting your yard with an army all my own
my roots extend for eons
making me impossible to rid.

the weathers change whisking away my life
along with my color.
leaving only a ball of fluff
for children to exhale upon;

planting their wishes and my seeds
for generations to come.

~3 to 6 to 5~
three hundred and sixty five
(times four)
days have gone by.

Let me tell you:
For the love,
The ground will break my fall.

With all due respect,
This journey should have ended
three hundred and sixty five
(times two)
days ago.

Well let me tell you:
For the love,
This is where it ends.

I'm done being jealous of our love.


Indiana Indiana

School is done. done. done.

Yesterday was such a stresseful day. Last day of exams. I had my portfolio presentation. I think I botched it. I felt like crap about it. I slacked off and didn't have time to finish all I needed to finsish. So I looked very unprofessional in my mind. So i cried.

I have had a total of 10 hours of sleep in the past 3 nights.

I just didn't have enough time for anything. Then we got in the van to go home and it was just... over. And I cried again. Good cry though. Luckily I was in the car with the right people.

All in All, I'm ready to be back at school. Strange how everything I feel completely switches huh?


stay or leave I want you not to go....

There's this dave song called "stay or leave". It's amazing. and sad. but still good.
The thing about it is the first time I heard it I was in the car with Josh. Josh loves dave matthews. He loves them and I loved it that he loved them. It was like his thing. it was cute. He could play almost any dave song on the guitar for you.
So we're driving, because we love to drive, and we're listening to this song for my first time.
I started to feel like this song was going to come back to haunt me some day.

low and behold female intuition is correct again. That song described many situations between josh and I. The 1st break up after Croatia, noveber 5th last year when I asked him to take me back, him deciding to move to Chicago, me deciding to move to Bosnia, me deciding to go to IWU, him deciding to stay in chicago. Us deciding to call it quits for the final time.

So now I can't really listen to that song without hating it. "I want you not to go, but you should". story of my life. Everyone loves to leave.


Content. What?

Today i talked to my friend Amanda. She said something that perfectly fit the entire situation I feel that I'm in right now.
She said "I'm getting married. I'm going to live here and be a mom. I don't have a degree, I don't want to work. I'm going to be here forever and that's okay because that's what I want."
She is where she needs to be. Where am I? I am somewhere, and it's not necessarily where I want to be, but is it where God wants me to be?
I have it stuck in my head that I am getting out of here. But the more I want out, the more I feel like I cannot leave. I need to surrender my life to God before I can just get up and desert all of this.
I am not content.


My uncle likes gospel music

These past few days have been out of control. Not physically, physically I look like a huge loner, but emotionally. I've been all over the place.
It started with some lonliness. which led to God revealing a lot about His plan for me through a convo with a new friend. From there it went to closure from a past relationship, who's door had been jammed open for 10 months- finally we were able to close it, gently. But it's closed and locked. From there I spend some much needed time with friends and got to see my family. At my grandmother's birthday party she had a stroke though, and she ended up going to the hospital. So I didnt' get to spend too much time with the family talking about anything really, but the incident brought us all together in a sense. My dad drove around his old neighborhood on the way to get the potato salad from my aunt's house. (Why did we need potato salad when grandma was in the hospital?) He showed us his old "stompin grounds" and where some of his friends' lived. It was a nice little reminiscient moment. My dad doesn't do that too often.
My uncle brought me back to school today. My grandma got flown to Toledo Ohio because she had bleeding in her head.. not sure how she's going to end up but I think she will be okay. I hope anyway. But my uncle brought me back to school and it was almost silent on the drive, until we got really close to school and he asked me if I ever watched the religious channel on TV. I said no, i dont have TV at school. He said he watched it, that he really liked the gospel music. That was somewhat bizzare for me to hear considering I'd never heard my uncle talk about religion except when using the Lord's name in vain. It was a clear reminder that a lot of people know who God is, and they are in fact drawn to Him. Espeically in times of need. The only purpose I may have is to be the connector between their desire and their first step towards God's outstretched arms. I feel good about that. If that's the only purpose I'll ever serve, and I serve it well- I would feel like I fulfilled a full life.



Latley I've really been missing home, missing the way things were. I've been living in the past, rather than in the moment.
It's easy to think of how great things used to be when things aren't really going well. That's kind of whats been going on in my head. I really am not sure why I am at school. I love the school part, but I'm not good with the social aspect of things. I desire relationships but I'm socially retarted and very lazy... it's a curse. I don't want the fake relatoinships with people that aren't interested in getting involved and don't care about making a difference or establishing deep and lasting friendships. But I'm attracted to those people.
So it's my favorite time of year. I love the fall :) Every song I hear that's related to a memory makes me cry. I don't understand what my deal is. I've never been like this. I'm always looking forward to the future. I think I like the future TOO much actually! I was always anxious for the next step of life. Now I just want things to go backwards.
I was telling stories of my family last night with my "little sister" leah and it was such a good time. I just wanted to cry because I felt so blessed by my family. It feels so good to have silly memories to share with people. I love my family! It's really hard being away from them... I never thought it would be like this. Never.
I'm listening to a song right now and the chorus is "Do you know what you are getting yourself into". It's a christian song describing the relatoinship with Christ. And that's what I seriously ask myself sometimes DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO? Because being a christian requires so much more than people think. It's more than going to church on sundays. A lot of times I dont even go to church on sundays. It's about loving and sacrifice and following God's plan. So this is God's plan for me, and right now I think it sucks and I don't know what the point is or what He has is store for me. But I just have to stay strong and rely on Him, knowing that He has my past present and future planned out already if I'm willing to let Him guide me.
That's what I'm getting myself into. A blind tunnel, with no light. Theres a balance beam down the middle and I'm supposed to hold God's hand and walk the beam, but when I let go, I can only balance for a little bit before I fall off or grab someone else to keep me up. Either way, I have to reach for God again or I'll end up lost in a dark tunnel.



Love Lovin' You Michigan

Well... I'm an adult. Sunday is my birthday and I'm going to be twenty. Holy crap, twenty. I'm no longer a teenager. Now if you would have talked to me 3 years ago, I could NOT wait until my 20th or even more for my 21st birthday. But now it's here... and I'm at college... and I'm sad.

I sat at a table in McConn today, (the coffee shop at IWU) and looked around thinking of what a lot of these kids here have gone through. Some are transfers like me, some have been here all 4 years, some have lived in Marion their whole lives. What are their stories? Sometimes I wish I could ask every person I meet what their story is... but I can't. But back to the point... I just had this overwhelming feeling of lonliness. Junior year is NOT a good year to transfer into a school. Best friends, although I rarley have any, are very hard to make at this point in time. Everyone is too busy with their majors to hang out and talk all night. It's just not practical most of the time. People are getting engaged, getting married, graduating, moving, or all of those! And then there's me just stuck in the middle of it all. Wanting these friendships that just don't seem possible.

I never thought I'd say it, but I miss Grand Rapids SO much. Especially grandville and grand haven. I miss my church, I miss being able to listen to Rob Bell any sunday I wanted to, I miss running in the morning with Jenn, I miss jumping on the tramp with Kaitlyn and Carson, I miss my mom and dad and my dogs! It's like being in Bosnia all over again, except everyone is so close, but just barley out of reach. Everyone is just a phone call away but I suck at maintaining relationships so do I call? of course not. Do I write? nope. I just get lonley.

So I sit here today and look at my life and ask myself what I've done with my life. What HAVE I done with my life? And why the heck am I in Indiana when everyone I love is in west michigan?! (except Josh, but he loves michigan too.) Ugh. I hate birthdays.


Big sister

Well It's been a very very long time since I've updated. I'm @ IWU. Indiana Wesleyan. I'm in my 3rd week of school and even though I have homework EVERY day of the week... I'm really loving it here. Today is really just an amazing day because I'm officially a Big sister!! I know what you're thinking and no my mom did not have another kid, I am a mentor for the big sister little sister organization! My housemate KC is a big sister and her little sister's little sister (haha) Aliah needed a mentor. These past few weeks I've had this burning desire to DO SOMETHING and get involved somewhere and God gave me the oppotrinity to meet with Aliah. She is SO adorable and outgoing and so great. Me and KC are going to meet with the girls at the same time since I don't have a car. Tonight we went out for dinner and came back to our place where the girls attemtped to teach us how to dance. Yes... they have rhythm. NO... we do not!!

This is aliah (or Leah)

I got to see Josh this past weekend too. That was really a privelege. It's so hard being long distance because were are in completely different worlds. We were praying about our relationship for a few days mainly because I was worried we were doing something wrong, but God has totally shown me how strong and amazing Josh is in the past week. I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about this book "Irresistable Revolution" that really just lit this fire in me for the urban population and the poor and less fortunate all over the world, not just foreign countries. So I'm talking about this book and the response I got was one of apathy, not really caring about this group of people and I was so appauled that this friend didn't feel ANYTHING from the stories I was telling him from this book. I walked away from that conversation thinking, if that were Josh he would have been so excited about that. It showed me how parallel our visions are, they aren't really exact but they are in the same area and most of all, moving in the same direction to glorify the Lord.

(Here is a really bad picture of us studying @ IWU)
So to sum all of that up I feel a lot more concrete about my life with Josh. Although, I STILL hate the fact that we are long distance. I really hate it.
On another note. I really miss home today :( I just want to see my family and my dog! I really miss the VanHekkens too. Tonight when me and KC dropped off Leah and her sister Val we saw their little neice who is 2 and she is SO cute and it made me miss Carson and Kaitlyn a ton. It's so strange for me to go from a family setting to a college life setting. I'm really wired for the family setting, I just love everything about it.

So here are some of my friends. (These aren't my room mates :( I can never get pics of them because we are all so busy! But soon!)
On the left is Jaimee, Jess, ME then on the Right it's Chris, Missy and Jake against the wall.
We went out to dinner at some mexican restauant on this pic. It was pretty fun, I got a plate of refried beans.
I have my FIRST photo project due tomorrow. 3 photos mounted and matted. Agh. I have them printed but not mounted yet. I'm kinda freaking out because I was supposed to do it tonight but the guy in my class and I played phone tag all night so we never got together. So wish my luck on that.
I'm really happy I made the decision to come to IWU. It's really been a difficult transition, but I have seen God in a million places here and I'm really searching out to see Him more and more. Even though this is a christian campus, there are a lot of dead hearts here and if I don't seek out the recourses I have, I could loose the fire too and that's the last thing I want to happen. (I have to get something more than a piece of paper for my money!!) So please just pray that I would be seeking Him daily and that I would be strong in His word and in prayer!


Over and done... much to remember!

A Final Good-Bye
Thanks to Everyone!
I just want to say "Thank You" first and foremost to everyone who supported me this summer! Your prayers and donations made so much possible this summer. I can’t imagine how it would have gone without everyone at home backing us up.
I wanted to send you all a final recap. I have all of my pictures and such ready so I can share some of the memories with you.
Teaching English was our main ministry this summer. We taught at 4 different schools in the villages throughout the summer. Our goal wasn’t just to teach the kids English, but to love them, spend time with them, and just show them how special they are. The kids look forward to the summer ESL camps all school year. The missionaries who live in Zenica have been doing these camps for the last 4 summers and they have all been very successful. The kids love being loved and that’s what we concentrated on the whole summer. Please pray for success in future camps!
Humanitarian Aide
Along with teaching English, our team also did various humanitarian aide jobs throughout the summer. We unloaded semi-trucks with clothes, food and supplies and later distributed everything to the surrounding villages we taught English in. This is a ministry the Summay’s have become known and loved for in the villages.
Sight Seeing
During the weekends this summer, the Summay’s took us to many different cities in Bosnia. It was so awesome that we were able to do that so we could all get a better picture of what Bosnia is like, not just Zenica. In addition to that, our entire team (Us interns, 2 missionary families and 2 Bosnian families) took a 5 day vacation to a city called Neum which is the only costal city in Bosnia. And then at the very end of the summer, just our team of interns took a 4 day trip to Budapest, Hungary. Here are some of the pictures from our experiences this summer!!


Reminisce and Rendezvous

I went home monday night and stayed until tuesday evening. I spend the whole time hannging out with my family and old friends, catching up and laughing hysterically. I feel really blessed by the time I got to spend at home. I saw so many people that used to be such a huge part of my life!! It was nuts the way I ran into people. And all day tuesday was spend with my two best girlfriends from high school and we laughed and cried and acted like crazy people the whole day. It was so perfect, I love those girls so much.
Anyway now i'm back in grand haven. I was supposed to spend time with some friends last night but was just so exhausted and feeling a little overwhelmed by the amount of things that still need to be done so I actually went to bed. What an amazing concept, bed. haha. I never go to sleep on time and I regret it EVERY day.
On a side note... plans for my life have changed, yet again. I found out yesterday that I got accepted to indiana wesleyan for the fall term. I wasn't expecting to get accepted or hear from them before I left but apparently I was accepted the 19th, no one contacted me until yesterday though. So weird. So I am just going to roll with it. I was a little confused at what God's plan for me was and if this was an answer to prayer or a really random occurance and a friend gave me a better way to look at the whole situation tell me that God doesnt have only one road for me to walk and if i miss one turn then I'm just left hanging, but that He will bless me and work in my life no matter where I am as long as I'm persuing him and then she added, plus why wouldn't He want you to be at Indiana Wesleyan? haha.. so I'm going to fill out my housing form today and get that sent in along with my tuition deposit. pray for provision!
I leave for bosnia in 4 days. FOUR DAYS WHAT?!


Quick Sand

Well... it's finally sinking in that I'm going to Bosnia for the summer. It's weird how you make plans to do something like this and you spend months preparing and raising money yet you still don't really feel like you're leaving until... a couple of days before you're really going. It's so strange! So it is starting to sink in a little, more because I've started packing. I have so much to do in the next week it's going to be really crazy. Pray that I get everything done that needs to be done and I don't stress out a ton.
I was asked this weekend what my long term goal of this summer program was. I had to think for a minute, but I quickly realized that I am more excited about what God is going to be doing here at my home and in my community. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to see how God moves in the villages I'll be working in- but I feel like He will do just as much, if not more, in the lives of the people around me every day that don't know Him as their Lord and savior yet. I've made a commitment to pray HARD every day for my family. I try to do that now, but I get so lazy and I dont have any kind of a routine. I know that we will have a required "quiet time" every day which is perfect becuase I really want a consistant time.
It's so easy to be complacent with you life and just settle for the relationship you have with the Lord if you don't have to work for it. I can't go around professing my faith to every person i interact with over seas and I feel like since I have to be somewhat "undercover" that it will give me a greater appreciation for faith.
I'm just so looking forward to see God and growing so much in my relationship with Him this summer. I love that total "on fire" feeling you have when you're pulled away from your normal atmosphere and put into one with a small group of people with the same faith as you. It's empowering in a way.
Anyway, I leave on sunday the 28th. Please pray for safe travels and while I'm gone, just pray for my family.


Encouraging the weak

My heart is breaking right now... I cried over a person that I don't even know. Just relating to their situation, knowing exactly what it is they have been though... I took their situation and the discouraging remarks against them very personal. Maybe it's not healthy to take things so personal, but I really feel like God was moving, stiring me up.
I'm really passionate about people who are searching. People who are there, they know that it's God they need to seek and they want Him, they want to please Him, but are still weak and end up taking two steps back for every step forward. I know those people, I was one of those people and I love it when God puts them in my life because I feel like I can encourage them from experience. So many people discorage though. So many christians discourage those who are tyring to walk with God, those who are in the beginning of their faith and fall a little more than others. I just want to cry out to those who are placing the judgement- We should be rejoicing in this situation!! Someone who has been under the hand of satan for so long is changing course! Your brother or sister is coming to their Lord. Rejoice instead of judge! Encourage them! Walk with them! Be an example and a leader! Greet them with love as Christ would.
So many times though, people are judged for the poor decisions made in their past. It's just so real for me because I have been in the place where people could either take me seriously or they could look back at my actions and say I'm fake. I've struggled out of satans grasp and ended up in the hands of christians who, in so many words, told me to go back where I came from.
How is that going to build God's kingdom? How is that going to bring in our generation? So many people have been down the paths of drugs and alcohol and sex and lies. It's common, it's cool. So why aren't we trying harder to love on those people rather than make them feel like less because of the life they once lived? Didn't God promise them the same thing He promised everyone else? Did we suddenly forget that we are a community of CHRIST? Not a community of defeat. I pray so hard that we all will try harder than anything to accept people for who they are and with whatever baggage they are bringing with them because no matter WHAT awful things a person has gone through, no matter how many people they have hurt, no matter what lies they have told, no matter what road they walked... God is going to use those experiences for His glory and we should be welcoming any and every new christian with open and loving arms.

romans 12:
1Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. 2One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. 4Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.


I saw a rainbow today!


It's all in.................

Today is the deadline for me $4250. Now let me tell you that on Friday when I found out I had about $600 left, I was getting a little nervous- my faith was definetly being tested. On saturday i went into my work to see if the owner of the store might support me a little.. I had literally missed him by 3 minutes. The people of the store also told me I was crazy to ask him for money so I left a little discouraged. Later that night though, one of my friends gave me a check for $213. I was really excited and moved to see God's provision from such a strange place!!! The next day nothing came and I was going through my personal financial situation trying to figure out how to take the rest of the money out of my pocket. Well today, the deadline(!), I got a phone call from Josh's mom. She asked me how much money I had left to raise and i told her- she told me not to worry about it, she would write a check for the remainder of the money. Okay... now if that's not amazing I don't know what is!
I'm just so grateful for how the money was provided in the end so quickly, especially for my family because they doubted and they didn't believe in the power of prayer- but I can tell them now that it came and it came ON TIME and I really hope that they will see that is was all God and He provided it for me. I really hope that it will begin to show them how big He really is!
So now i'm going to Bosnia for sure :)
I will be leaving on the 28th of May, in one week and 6 days. It's just so cool how God has allowed things to fall into place so perfectly at the last minute. Even my family is all coming to drop me off in Kentucky for training... it's just such an amazing day!



So the Lord has so graciously provided us a house to live in this summer :) This is the most beatiful house too! (Maybe it's just because im really excited about it, but its nice!)

It's surrounded by foilage (!) So its a little hard to get a picture of apparently, but its exciting that we have a place to stay.


Outdoor Adventures

This week has been a huge blessing. I've been reminded of God's awesomeness, His glory, His power so much simply through His creations. The weather has been a huge blessing, I love how it just lifts people's moods and puts an excitement in the air. Also with the rain... I've always been a wuss about thunderstorms, but on one occasion earlier this week Josh and I were standing outside watching the rain. It was so beautiful though because the snow was still on the ground and with the warm weather and the rain it created this peaceful fog. Josh and I just stood outside listening to it and commenting on how the little things like this are what keep people going when life is so busy and things just aren't falling into place and basically just when life happens. God reveals himself to you through these times of peace and beauty.

I also have a praise reguarding fund raising. As of Friday there are $686 dollars in. $105 of that was raised at Jumpin Java! Some friends put on a little "benefit concert" and played guitar and sang for a few hours to get some recognition on what;s going to be happeneing this summer in Zenica. I didn't put up posters or anything because it was all kinda last minute so I wasn't expecting much turn out. But God totally stepped in and provided the money (almost all in $1 bills too!!). So I thank everyone who gave and were there to support Bosnia Friday!!!!

A few prayer requests:
--Pray that God will remove all anxiousness from me. I'm getting antsy about being here in the US any longer... I'm just really excited to go to Bosnia, and if I had my way, I would do nothing but work towards getting there. But I have school and a job and commitments, so please pray that God will take care of the little things that could fog my focus and allow me to see the necessary steps in this process and not try to skip what is vital to the experience.
--Continue to pray for support from my family I want them to be as excited as I am and continue to ask questions. This is a huge opportunity for me to witness to them. I want nothing more than for my family to come to know Christ as their Lord and Savior!
--Pray for finances for me and my team mates. Pray that we all will seek guidance in any opportunity to raise funds and that we won't lose sight of the reason for this trip. It's hard sometimes in raising finances because a lot of self promotion is going on, but it's not all about us-it's about the people that we are going to touch and the experiences and the country we're serving in. It's about God and giving Him the glory and the honor and the praise that He deserves!

also, if anyone has questions, comments, things I can pray for, or just wants to get ahold of me. my email is camaha@sbcglobal.net



A song

David Crowder: Stars

You should see the stars tonight
How they shimmer shine so bright
Against the black they look so white
Coming down from such a height
To reach me now
You reach me now

You should see the moon in flight
Cutting ‘cross the misty night
Softly dancing in sunshine
Reflections of its light
Reach me now
You reach me now

And how could such a thing
Shine its light on me
And make everything
Beautiful again

And you should feel the sun in spring
Coming out after a rain
Suddenly all is green
Sunshine on everything
I can feel it now
I feel You now

And you should hear the angels sing
All gathered ‘round their King
More beautiful than you could dream
I’ve been quietly listening
You can hear ‘em now
I hear them now

And how could such a King
Shine His light on me
And make everything

And I want to shine
I want to be light
I want to tell you
It’ll be alright

Yeah, I want to shine
And I want to fly
Just to tell you now
It’ll be alright
It’ll be alright, yeah
It’ll be alright

Cause I’ve got nothing of my own
To give to you
But this light that shines on me
Shines on you
And make everything
Beautiful, again

It’ll be alright
It’ll be alright


FUNdamentals are the building blocks of FUN

Things have been going really well. The weather is BEAUTIFUL (crazy for Michigan!) we finally get to see the sun consistantly :) I feel like the holy spirit has been extremely present in my life the past few days, more so than normal anyway. I've been building on some important relationships with friends here and also begining new relationships with the people I will be with overseas. I feel as though I can say God has blessed this team with some AWESOME people. (at least in my opinon!) I haven't heard any news back on where I am with raising funds, but my team mate Heather gave me this awesome analogy
*God owns all the money in the world and He has this huge funnel that allows Him to dispurse as much as He wants, where He wants, in any amount of time.*
I've heard it a million times, but it's so cool to have that visual of God with this huge funnel, stuffing it with dollar bills... haha.
My mom's surgery went VERY well. So Praise for that! She's a little groggy and sore, but good overall. My parents have been pretty helpful in the whole process of me getting ready to go. My dad did a bunch of insurance stuff for me and my moms all excited about taking me shopping to get all the necessities. It's fun to see that they really want to help me be prepared!!
Thanks for all your prayer support!

More requests!!
*Continued financial and prayer support for all team members
*Lots of opportunities for our team to communicate before we meet in May!
*no stress while we all prepare. The times before the trip are always the most stressful!
*That we all use this time wisely and get CLOSER to God, not farther apart due to all the hustle and bustle of our daily lives
* Pray for the families and people in Bosnia that we will come in contact with, that God will prepare their hearts and use us to change lives.



Today I had the delight of waking up at 7:30. (Most of you who know me know I am NOT a morning person!) But I had to watch the kids so I was awake.
I was sitting at the table eating cereal and had little carson yelling "tay tay COME ON!" over and over. I told him to wait, but apparently 2 year olds don't understand what waiting means when they're excited! ;) So I went to the living room with him and kaitlyn and they were looking out the window at the sunrise. It was so colorful they were convinced it was a rainbow. I told them it was the sun, but kaitlyn said "but look at all the colors, that's a rainbow". I didn't argue anymore, I just looked out the window with them- all 3 of us in awe of the colors.
It was such a nice reminder of God and His creations.




Zenica at Night The village

City of Zenica, Bosnia.

-These pictures are helping me get really pumped up about this internship. I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed by my "homework" and am hoping God really prepares my heart for this!!


Good evening!

Hello to all.
Today is a beautiful.... snowy day. :) My day today started off very negatively. I woke up feeling very discouraged about a lot of different things involving Bosnia. I got a packet full of a lot of things to do and a couple books I need to read... I felt like it was all just pressing me into the floor. Then my close friend Liz called, also feeling discouraged and it was funny how the advice I was giving her was exactly what I needed to hear. I've been trying really hard to be a better listener when it comes to communicating with God because I've never really tried sitting back and waiting to see what he has to say to me. I prayed yesterday that He could communicate to me in His own unique way and that I wouldn't put im in a box and expect Him to speak to me the same way He speaks to other people. I feel like my conversation with Liz was a perfect example of an answer to this prayer.
I've also been talking to Betsy, she is the leader of our team this summer. We can only communicate through email until I arrive in Bosnia, but Im still really excited to talk with her and I cant wait to hear from the other team members.

Prayer reuquests
-That I won't let the mass amounts of things to be done hinder my growth or relationship with God and I won't get easily stressed about all of it!
-For strength as I prepare to leave my family
-For unity within the team thats going over there
- For safe traveling!




Okay... so... I GOT ACCEPTED TO GO TO BOSNIA! Lana from Team Expansion called me today. At first I told her I didn't know and I had to think about it, but then I just looked back through some prayer requests and journal entries and God is totally answering them through this opportunity.
I still have to tell my family... and I have a short period of time to get the support raised. I can tell already that I'm going to learn a lot through this experience... 1st lesson TRUST THAT GOD CAN DO IT!

Keep my in your prayers.



leading near and far

At times my heart aches and my desire for certain things is overwhelming. It seems though, that I have confused my personal compassion and desire with a direction. The door to Africa has been closed through Team Expansion. I can't deny my dissapointment either. I have been a little discouraged as well, wondering what Gods bigger plan is and hating that fact that I can only see the smaller picture in front of me. There are times where I just want to yell and ask "WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?"
I've always wanted to hide those feelings of frustration towards God's plan, but some light was shed on that feeling in reading psalm 77 and listening to Rob Bell go through the verses. God loves the reality of communication that reveals human emotions such as pain anger and confusion. A prayer is not an adequate prayer if feelings are not being revealed to the Lord through them. He knows our hearts already so by witholding information, God knows we aren't being honest with Him. (DUH! I shoulda known that!).

I just want God to lead me where HE wants me to go.


calm after the storm

It's sort of fun to look back and read past posts. I have gotten so far since my first one. I've gotten so far since the last one! I actually moved from grand rapids to Grand Haven. I am a nanny. I'm taking a light load at school, only 2 clsses this semester and trying very much to concentrate on God and stop denying Him the place in my life that He deserves. Handling stress has become an easier task to say the least. I really feel like getting out of Grand Rapids where I was surrounded by negativity was the best thing I could have done.
So Today I'm sending out my application for Team Expansion!!!!!! I'm applying to go to Tanzania, Africa. I talked to my pastor about things and he talked about sending me to bosnia with Trent and Nikki, missionaries that I met last summer in Croatia. But I think I'm going to wait and see what happens with this application first. If I don't get accepted to Africa, Bosnia was my 2nd choice. That would be really cool to go to Bosnia and be able to see some of the people from Split again! Although... I have no idea where in Bosnia I'de be... anyway pray that I get accepted and all the necessary money will be provided in such a short period of time!

love love CRAZY love