fashionista surfer

In my wonderful stay here in Grand Rapids, I have to say I have re-discovered my appreciation for a more classy fashion. It's funny that GR has a very distinct fashion aura to it. Much much different from Nashville. I think i would like to merge the two together. We shall see. I also have more time to scour the Internet for new music and random stuff. Now days bloggers post all kinds of things they would like to share on their blogs - so I would hope that in writing on this silly thing (if anyone reads or even cares) that I could keep up with the blogger trends. So. Here are some things I love that I religiously look at weekly (ok ok... daily) Enjoy.

#1 The Sartorialist. I've been loving on this blog for almost 2 years now. I love looking at it as a photographer, artist, and a girl longing for the ability to own designer gear. *sigh*

#2 Garance Dore. Amazing artist and fashionista... dating the sartorialist. Thank you Stef for introducing this to me!

#3 The Cut.. New York's Magazine's fashion blog. more high fashion but sometimes have some really cool things!

#4 Of course, Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie and J.Crew. No one can go wrong with these.

#5 Apartment Therapy. Like decorating and design?? Check this out.

#6 Lomography for all of my creative and abstract photographic inspiration and needs

#7 NPR music. LOVE THIS SO MUCH! I have always loved npr. But last year I discovered NPR music, where they have songs from new albums and interviews with musicians. It's amazing.

#8 Pitchfork. This is nothing new, any music enthusiast is obviously in the know with pitchfork. I'm not a hipster, I can enjoy things that are mainstream.

I could do this all day, I have a list about 50 websites long of wonderful inspiration and information. but I'll spare you and just supply these few for now :)

Happy Internet Surfing.


Battles of the heart.

I used to think that when you began to deal with things that were "baggage" it was a healthy process. That you could enter a tunnel, struggle through it, see the light at the end, and exit.
Apparently it's more accurate that you walk through the tunnel again and again and again.
I'm currently reading the book "redeeming love". This book was recommended to me 3 years ago and I never picked it up because I've always been REALLY against girly christian novels. (cheeeeeeeezy.) Then I had a stirring in my heart. Suddenly it was a book I just had to read. I pick it up every day and cry at least once, if not many times, at the words on each page.
Quick synopsis: The main character of the book is struggling with some serious hurt. She was an illegitimate child unwanted by her wealthy father. Her mother passed and she was sold into a brothel at 8, had part of her ripped out - literally - so she could never bear children, fled to safety only to be picked up and cast into another brothel (because of her amazing beauty). She lived for years as the highest priced prostitute before Michael Hosea (making a connection?) was instructed by God to go after her and marry her. Sounds crazy... but he did and the rest of the book describes her aches of accepting, recieving, and giving love. This character is a woman that never let anyone in emotionally. She is hard. She has walls around her 4 feet thick and hundreds of miles tall that no one can climb- much less tear down.
At one point in the story she interacts with a family that interacts and exists as a healthy family should and as she sits and observes she is completely blown away at how the family functions. These people reach out to her, to know her, and she has no idea what to do with it because she was an outcast for 10 of her 18 years of life.
Sometimes I cry because it makes me ache to read the thoughts of this fictional character's mind. Sometimes I cry because I know exactly how she feels.
My scars are not as deep nor as many as this character. But they are there and they affect me, on a smaller scale, the same as her. But to see it from the outside.. I wonder if people saw through me the way they see through her. See her hurt written all over her. It makes me wonder what I was like.. what I'm still like. How am I perceived? Do I look cold and dead at the times I feel that? Do I look like I'm fighting myself in my head at the moments that I am? Or can I play it off like I've always thought I could...
I've processed my past of abuse many times. Every time it's a little different. Sometimes it's with a counselor, a friend, a mentor. Most of the time its alone. I always feel like I come to the end, a resting point in the journey. But eventually something tells me I have to get up and keep walking. Every time I walk I'm dragging myself through thorns and mud and nastiness.
I'm wondering what will end up coming of my life. What will it look like as these aches and pains are used for Him? How will I help people? What are these "big" things I'm destined to do? I'm excited and full of anticipation. I finally feel like I have something to give, rather than feeling like everything has been sucked out of me. Thats gotta be a good step right?
This is part of what I read today.

Psalm 37 v 3-6
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Take delight in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

Verse 3 was especially encouraging. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture... PLEASE!
Safety... I still struggle to feel safe. Not that I think I'm going to get attacked when I walk down the street, but I never feel safe to be completely myself. That is what a lot of safety is in my mind. Me being free to be me. The me I am without the abuse, the hurt, the anger, the walls. There are two places I have felt that I was that person. Grand Haven and Virginia Beach. Both beach towns... ironic. In grand haven, I felt that for a couple of months. In Virginia only for a week. It was enough that I think about certain moments from those two places a lot. People noticed something different about me. Sometime softer maybe? Something free, relaxed, joyful.

I am now trusting the Lord... hoping for provision and a chance to dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture, to receive the desires of my heart.


time and time again

I refuse to start this entry with "It's been a while since I last wrote..." Because it's just obvious that it HAS been a while.
I will make no attempt to catch you up to speed. "You" being whoever it is that reads this thing. So Jamee and Ben :) haha. I feel this sense of guilt when I come back from a hiatus and don't have a synopsis of the time lapse. Strange. I feel like I owe something to the world wide web.

I am very sore... My chiropractor has been hurting/helping me. I'm not sure what to do better... but I'm hoping that this begins to make me feel right again. At least physically.
Today was actually a wonderful day. I went to the UICA (Urban Institute of Contemporary Arts) where my amazing internship is and ate some cake for a co-worker's birthday. Pretended I had lots to do as the Arts Administration Intern (although I was quite bored...) and then left to go babysit and sat outside reading and spending time with God most of the 3 hours I was there. I left feeling well, had an encouraging conversation with Ben and I went grocery shopping and came home and prepared food for the week. Seems normal.

Then suddenly I just felt heavy. Sore. Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. Everything all at once. My room mate came home and I was flooded with negativity. Flooded. I didn't know what to do about it, I tried to fight it off. I cleaned. I did laundry. I read. nothing... So I ran (literally.) I went running at 11pm. It seemed like the smartest idea, and all in all it was. I felt somewhat better when I got back. But while I ran, I felt myself wishing I could run from the place I am now. Which, mind you, is not even a bad place. Literally OR figuratively. I feel at peace with where I am, but at that moment of running all I could do was cry and wish I could run anywhere else.
I feel lonely. Too many transitions. Someday I will stay in one place... and on top of that I really enjoyed living with my sister. It was crazy there, kind of stressful 98% of the time, but nice. I miss living with her, and kind of feel sad things played out how they did with living situations. Leave it to a legitimately crazy guy to complicate her/our lives.

I don't really have a lot to say right now... I guess I just felt that I needed to write and see if anything helpful came out of it. Writing is therapeutic. It feels good most of the time. So much has been going on the last few months... it's a whirlwind. I hope to get back into the swing of things and write more about nothing and also about everything.