I am wrestling with some potential concepts right now. Gotta get em out...

Photography, using a vandyke brown printing process
shooting with 4x5 59 polaroid film. (love polaroids.)
Shoot portraits in the studio, lighting style... somewhat high-key.
shadows, limited detail.
print with vandyke process.
after first fix-- take a paintbrush with water, maybe acid? and paint out faces.
Take about... 6-8 polaroids?? use 3 in final.
dry mount and float.
concept: the feeling of just being another person. Like a leaf, they are all leaves, even though they are different. You see one, you see them all unless you stop to really appreciate what each one has to offer. Thats what this series is going to be like. Each one is going to look like the other, just a little bit different-- You can't really tell what each one has to offer until you stop and look at them each individually. You will notice, they are different people. They are holding different things, they are wearing different shirts. Little, but significant details.

Polaroid lift.
again use potraits. (can be digital though.) still high key.
Make into a lift and put onto transparency paper and sew ontop of another image or cloth.
mount on all-natural board.

Concept: still working... But I want to try to find or make the photo go on top of images or cloth that is like the person that is being photographed. example: my dad... I would put his photograph on top of something cold, steel looking. My younger sister... something kind of gothic, rebellious, out of the norm. My older sister... something sad. something.... insecure? not sure how i would work that one. Or... put the polaroids over images of addictions. My dad-- a cigarette. My sister- a piece of cake. My other sister- a book. Myself- a car. Then a blank one in the middle. Just a fuzzy plain lift, over a picture of something that dissapears? something.... like a ghost. Working it out.
Not sure how to mount this yet.... working. working. working. It will come to me.



"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime~ and falling in at night." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

---> has evolved into something much more hopeful :)

Where you used to be, there is no longer a hole in the world, but just a little divot which I find myself constantly annoyed by in the daytime, and easily stepping over at night. 

    I had a really wonderful weekend. I got to spend the entire weekend with Jamee. And really-- entire. We woke up together (haha... yes I sleep in her bed) and got lunch, layed around, went shopping, ate dinner, relaxed on the couch. It was much needed time with my bestest. 

As for the remaining areas of my life, I have taken the advice of the Beatles- let it be. There is so much I can't control, so much I can't predict, all I can do is just let it be, leave it alone, embrace it and take it for what it is. When you follow this rule of living... everything becomes easier to walk with. So much of what I was grasping I have let fall in the midst of my steps. I can look behind me and see the remains of what I dropped just meters before, and in no way am I tempted to run back and pick it up. I'm leaving it for the birds. It's almost gratifying to see it decay in the road.

I am still your average girl. I cry about irrational situations, I am plagued by the dreamer's disease, and am in love day in and day out :) I would have it no other way. I have opened the curtain and discovered the true and somewhat pathetic identity of the wizard. He has no role. He has no place in my head, and definitely no control of my heart.


Then who the hell was I?

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

_"skinny love" by Bon Iver_


     I am engulfed in my own emotion right now. Unexplainably and painfully consumed. 
Bon Iver's poetic sorrow and despair is the only thing that's connecting with me. Not that I am living a life of sorrow and despair... not at all in actuality, but my heart is heavy. It's bleeding. It's ready to be removed from my sleeve and placed back into it's protective case of brittle ribs.
    Skinny love... I posted the lyrics right before this. "So who the hell was I?" is what has been running through my head repeatedly. It's a question I want to seriously yell in the face of the wizard behind the curtain of my defeat. I have come to the realization that I am just another her. Another routine, the same lines, the same emotions spat in my face without a hint of hesitation. Convincing? Yes. Very. True? I'd like to know the same...
    So where does this leave one. How do you mend the wounds and heal the scars of an accident that everyone walked away from but you? I'm agonizing over this stupid unknown. What was I? What does this make me? Did I really, seriously allow myself to love a lie?
       Hmmm.... with us emotion ran so high. The emotion made me high.... It was a very emotional high. A high I'm withdrawing from, and time is the only rehab.
     One could probably accuse me of being dramatic right now.... but for once; It's completely legit. 

"so who the hell was I?"

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime- and falling in at night." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay