What am I?

We turned may term into play term, but after the last couple of days I think we should change the name to self destruction.


Home sweet Home?

I am back in Michigan.
The drive from Marion to Grand Haven is one I could do in my sleep. I drove straight to jelly's friday for work almost in a complete daze. This drive... I've done it so many times, with so many people, at so many different phases of my life. I laughed on more than one occasion on that driving thinking of how good I am good at crying for three hours. Tears seem to have engulfed the majority of my drives on 31. Something epic about that course of travel...

I worked at the new restaurant this weekend. The only thing new was the building... I worked with the same people. I miss those people a lot. I miss being a part of something. I miss feeling loved. Work was good, I made money, I spent time with people I loved being around, I stopped by the vous to see Joel for his birthday and then I went to bed in my own bed in Grandville. :) All in all it was a pleasant evening.
Then I woke up.

My home... or my house rather... is a shit hole. I wish I had a better description for it, but I do not. It is in terrible condition. Karen is going to be disgusted when she comes home and makes a desperate attempt to fix it up to sell. Nothing about it is the same. The smell, the look, the things in it, it's just... hectic and stressful. The condition of that house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel about my family in general. Messy, cluttered, neglected, in need of major renovation.
So home is still not home. I don't know why I still expect to walk in that door and have it all be the same as it was 5 years ago. But it's ok, because I spent the majority of my weekend in grand haven. Which feels much more like home to me than grandville ever has.

Saturday night I worked again at Jellys, I made awesome money :) Thank you Lord!
The whole "grand" family was around after work. We all sat at the restaurant while I cleaned up and eventually moved from Jellys to the Grand. I was able to see some people I haven't seen in a while and it was a riot. Rhonda made waffles for us at like 2 in the morning, Johanna, Katie and I danced to crazy techno music and did yoga in the Grand dining room. I ended the night staying with my friend Ellen. We stayed up late with her room mates and made Vegan food. It was so good. I need to learn to cook vegan food.

Sunday I went back to Spring Lake Wesleyan. I miss that place so much. It's strange to be in there again, because it has been quite some time... but it wasn't strange in a bad way, it is home. It is different, like everything is, but it is still home. I still feel so much love there and I feel like me. That is the first place I went when I was searching for God, and I found Him through slwc. I found myself through slwc and the people there. I think that is why I hold those people so so so dear to my heart.

After church I went back to ellen's. We spent the day outside. Mike had a meeting to go to and Chris had stuff to do so Ellen and I went and bought flowers and rakes and munchies and came back and relished in the outdoors. It was a perfect spring day. The queer part of it all... Ellen and I are not really even friends. We are co-workers. But I actually just met her when I was home last. We got along really well though. I felt the need to stay. As weird as it was to be at my boss' house with his room mates, there was nothing that could have pulled me away. My phone was dead, which was beautiful in itself, I had nothing to do until my dad got out of work, and I just loved on these people and helped them clean up their yard.
It was bizarre.

What was even more bizarre was the conversation I had with my father.
It was filled with "grown up truth" as my aunt called it.
I will save that for tomorrow though because I'm sick of writing out a long strand of events.