I went to this amazing concert tonight. Bon Iver with Margot and the Nuclear so and sos. It was amazing. Phenomenal. I love concerts, but this one... bon iver rocked my world. I have not felt that much emotion in a piece of music since I got their album haha. The album is just as amazing as the live performance. But seeing it was so great, the drummer was ridiculous, he loved being a drummer. It was just one of those things you could tell was like.. him. It was inspiring.
So... I'm at the concert. The day was great. Fridays usually are. I Went to indy for dinner with Logan and some friends for Jessey's birthday. Logan and I went to Barnes and noble after and just had a blast. We wasted time goofing off and being silly. It was really refreshing. I felt very safe and very content.
Then the concert started.
I don't know what it was, but my chest started hurting inside. My stomch started to get that sick feeling in it. I just didn't want to be there. I wanted to see the concert, but I didn't want to be there. I wanted to escape and I started thinking of ever way I could: smoke, drink, drugs, literally run, withdraw. Once we were in the venue, I was very back and forth. Good, bad, good, bad... a literal pull of emotions. And once margot started to play... it was all over.
There was this bizarre nostalgic feeling I got when watching them on stage. Not the good nostalgic though where you happily reminisce about the past. It was one of those moments where I looked at the people on stage and connected with the place they were in. Parties, drugs, alcohol, living for themselves, living for the world, living to create and be free. I felt all of that, and along with it I felt their hurt and their burdens and the unhappiness. But I wanted to join them. I wanted to jump backstage and grab a beer and light up and stand in their complacency and bask in the familiarity of their lifestyle.
And I didn't want to be attached to anyone. I wanted to be alone. All this week I have these intense feelings of craving community and aching for togetherness. And I am in a moment enjoying great music with great friends held by an amazing guy and all I want is to be alone surrounded by people that will never understand me.
And I pushed.
So here I am.

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