I have been spending an extremely large amount of time in the car lately. 80% of me doesn't mind this at all, 20% is pretty tired of it. Travels thus far:
Jan. (move to...) Grand Rapids, MI from Nashville, TN (9 hours)
Feb. Cincinnati, OH (6 hours)
Mar. Washington, D.C./VA (I flew this one.. I guess it doesn't really count as a road trip)
April. Chicago, IL (3 hours)
May. Virginia Beach, VA (15 hours)
May. (move to..) Virginia Beach, VA (15 hours)
June. Grand Rapids, MI (15 hours)
June. Indianapolis, IN (12 hours)
aaaaaand to come before summer is done:
Aug. Long Beach, NC (8 hours) and Sept. Nashville, TN (10 hours)
Needless to say I may not be visiting the hottest destinations on earth, but each of these locations hold the dearest people to my heart. As much as I wish at times that my friends and family lived in CA and OR and NY... I'm glad for the sake of my bank account and my car that they are a bit closer. I also love road trips (or..traveling in general) and I've been lucky enough to have Ben accompanying me on the majority of these drive so they've been lovely and adventurous.
6.28.2010
6.10.2010
Shel Silverstein
June 8th was an amazing release day for poetry and music fans all over.
A musical tribute to the songs of Shel Silverstein: "Twistable Turnable Man" with covers by Andrew Bird, Dr. Dog, some of the Pixies, My Morning Jacket, John Prine (one of my favs), and others. Here is the list:
Twistable, Turnable Man: A Musical Tribute to the Songs of Shel Silverstein Tracklist:
01. Lullabys, Legends and Lies – My Morning Jacket
02. The Twistable, Turnable Man Returns – Andrew Bird
03. This Guitar is for Sale – John Prine
04. The Unicorn – Dr. Dog
05. The Winner – Kris Kristofferson
06. Queen of the Silver Dollar – Sarah Jarosz w/ Black Prairie
07. Daddy What if – Bobby Bare, Jr. w/ Isabella Bare
08. The Cover of the Rolling Stone – Black Francis w/ Joey Santiago
09. Sylvia’s Mother – The Boxmasters
10. Me and Jimmy Rodgers – Ray Price
11. A Boy Named Sue – Todd Snider
12. The Ballad of Lucy Jordan – Lucinda Williams
13. The Living Legend – Bobby Bare, Sr.
14. The Giving Tree – Nanci Griffith
15. 26 Second Song – My Morning Jacket
Buy it. Listen to it. LOVE IT. It's amazing :)
A musical tribute to the songs of Shel Silverstein: "Twistable Turnable Man" with covers by Andrew Bird, Dr. Dog, some of the Pixies, My Morning Jacket, John Prine (one of my favs), and others. Here is the list:
Twistable, Turnable Man: A Musical Tribute to the Songs of Shel Silverstein Tracklist:
01. Lullabys, Legends and Lies – My Morning Jacket
02. The Twistable, Turnable Man Returns – Andrew Bird
03. This Guitar is for Sale – John Prine
04. The Unicorn – Dr. Dog
05. The Winner – Kris Kristofferson
06. Queen of the Silver Dollar – Sarah Jarosz w/ Black Prairie
07. Daddy What if – Bobby Bare, Jr. w/ Isabella Bare
08. The Cover of the Rolling Stone – Black Francis w/ Joey Santiago
09. Sylvia’s Mother – The Boxmasters
10. Me and Jimmy Rodgers – Ray Price
11. A Boy Named Sue – Todd Snider
12. The Ballad of Lucy Jordan – Lucinda Williams
13. The Living Legend – Bobby Bare, Sr.
14. The Giving Tree – Nanci Griffith
15. 26 Second Song – My Morning Jacket
Buy it. Listen to it. LOVE IT. It's amazing :)
5.25.2010
On The Move....
Since 2004 I have moved 12 times within 2 countries, 3 states, 7 cities, and 1o houses.
As of May 31st we can change that to 13 times within 2 countries, 4 states and 11 houses.
I got the job with the American Cancer Society.... I'm moving to Virginia Beach, VA.
[!]
This is quite a leap of faith. I'm trusting God all the way. He brought me to GR which has been amazing and honestly it will be hard to leave... but I have to trust Him in this the same way. This is the word He gave me to ease my fear and unease:
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
As of May 31st we can change that to 13 times within 2 countries, 4 states and 11 houses.
I got the job with the American Cancer Society.... I'm moving to Virginia Beach, VA.
[!]
This is quite a leap of faith. I'm trusting God all the way. He brought me to GR which has been amazing and honestly it will be hard to leave... but I have to trust Him in this the same way. This is the word He gave me to ease my fear and unease:
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
4.23.2010
fashionista surfer
In my wonderful stay here in Grand Rapids, I have to say I have re-discovered my appreciation for a more classy fashion. It's funny that GR has a very distinct fashion aura to it. Much much different from Nashville. I think i would like to merge the two together. We shall see. I also have more time to scour the Internet for new music and random stuff. Now days bloggers post all kinds of things they would like to share on their blogs - so I would hope that in writing on this silly thing (if anyone reads or even cares) that I could keep up with the blogger trends. So. Here are some things I love that I religiously look at weekly (ok ok... daily) Enjoy.
#1 The Sartorialist. I've been loving on this blog for almost 2 years now. I love looking at it as a photographer, artist, and a girl longing for the ability to own designer gear. *sigh*
#2 Garance Dore. Amazing artist and fashionista... dating the sartorialist. Thank you Stef for introducing this to me!
#3 The Cut.. New York's Magazine's fashion blog. more high fashion but sometimes have some really cool things!
#4 Of course, Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie and J.Crew. No one can go wrong with these.
#5 Apartment Therapy. Like decorating and design?? Check this out.
#6 Lomography for all of my creative and abstract photographic inspiration and needs
#7 NPR music. LOVE THIS SO MUCH! I have always loved npr. But last year I discovered NPR music, where they have songs from new albums and interviews with musicians. It's amazing.
#8 Pitchfork. This is nothing new, any music enthusiast is obviously in the know with pitchfork. I'm not a hipster, I can enjoy things that are mainstream.
I could do this all day, I have a list about 50 websites long of wonderful inspiration and information. but I'll spare you and just supply these few for now :)
Happy Internet Surfing.
#1 The Sartorialist. I've been loving on this blog for almost 2 years now. I love looking at it as a photographer, artist, and a girl longing for the ability to own designer gear. *sigh*
#2 Garance Dore. Amazing artist and fashionista... dating the sartorialist. Thank you Stef for introducing this to me!
#3 The Cut.. New York's Magazine's fashion blog. more high fashion but sometimes have some really cool things!
#4 Of course, Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie and J.Crew. No one can go wrong with these.
#5 Apartment Therapy. Like decorating and design?? Check this out.
#6 Lomography for all of my creative and abstract photographic inspiration and needs
#7 NPR music. LOVE THIS SO MUCH! I have always loved npr. But last year I discovered NPR music, where they have songs from new albums and interviews with musicians. It's amazing.
#8 Pitchfork. This is nothing new, any music enthusiast is obviously in the know with pitchfork. I'm not a hipster, I can enjoy things that are mainstream.
I could do this all day, I have a list about 50 websites long of wonderful inspiration and information. but I'll spare you and just supply these few for now :)
Happy Internet Surfing.
4.22.2010
Battles of the heart.
I used to think that when you began to deal with things that were "baggage" it was a healthy process. That you could enter a tunnel, struggle through it, see the light at the end, and exit.
Apparently it's more accurate that you walk through the tunnel again and again and again.
I'm currently reading the book "redeeming love". This book was recommended to me 3 years ago and I never picked it up because I've always been REALLY against girly christian novels. (cheeeeeeeezy.) Then I had a stirring in my heart. Suddenly it was a book I just had to read. I pick it up every day and cry at least once, if not many times, at the words on each page.
Quick synopsis: The main character of the book is struggling with some serious hurt. She was an illegitimate child unwanted by her wealthy father. Her mother passed and she was sold into a brothel at 8, had part of her ripped out - literally - so she could never bear children, fled to safety only to be picked up and cast into another brothel (because of her amazing beauty). She lived for years as the highest priced prostitute before Michael Hosea (making a connection?) was instructed by God to go after her and marry her. Sounds crazy... but he did and the rest of the book describes her aches of accepting, recieving, and giving love. This character is a woman that never let anyone in emotionally. She is hard. She has walls around her 4 feet thick and hundreds of miles tall that no one can climb- much less tear down.
At one point in the story she interacts with a family that interacts and exists as a healthy family should and as she sits and observes she is completely blown away at how the family functions. These people reach out to her, to know her, and she has no idea what to do with it because she was an outcast for 10 of her 18 years of life.
Sometimes I cry because it makes me ache to read the thoughts of this fictional character's mind. Sometimes I cry because I know exactly how she feels.
My scars are not as deep nor as many as this character. But they are there and they affect me, on a smaller scale, the same as her. But to see it from the outside.. I wonder if people saw through me the way they see through her. See her hurt written all over her. It makes me wonder what I was like.. what I'm still like. How am I perceived? Do I look cold and dead at the times I feel that? Do I look like I'm fighting myself in my head at the moments that I am? Or can I play it off like I've always thought I could...
I've processed my past of abuse many times. Every time it's a little different. Sometimes it's with a counselor, a friend, a mentor. Most of the time its alone. I always feel like I come to the end, a resting point in the journey. But eventually something tells me I have to get up and keep walking. Every time I walk I'm dragging myself through thorns and mud and nastiness.
I'm wondering what will end up coming of my life. What will it look like as these aches and pains are used for Him? How will I help people? What are these "big" things I'm destined to do? I'm excited and full of anticipation. I finally feel like I have something to give, rather than feeling like everything has been sucked out of me. Thats gotta be a good step right?
This is part of what I read today.
Psalm 37 v 3-6
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Apparently it's more accurate that you walk through the tunnel again and again and again.
I'm currently reading the book "redeeming love". This book was recommended to me 3 years ago and I never picked it up because I've always been REALLY against girly christian novels. (cheeeeeeeezy.) Then I had a stirring in my heart. Suddenly it was a book I just had to read. I pick it up every day and cry at least once, if not many times, at the words on each page.
Quick synopsis: The main character of the book is struggling with some serious hurt. She was an illegitimate child unwanted by her wealthy father. Her mother passed and she was sold into a brothel at 8, had part of her ripped out - literally - so she could never bear children, fled to safety only to be picked up and cast into another brothel (because of her amazing beauty). She lived for years as the highest priced prostitute before Michael Hosea (making a connection?) was instructed by God to go after her and marry her. Sounds crazy... but he did and the rest of the book describes her aches of accepting, recieving, and giving love. This character is a woman that never let anyone in emotionally. She is hard. She has walls around her 4 feet thick and hundreds of miles tall that no one can climb- much less tear down.
At one point in the story she interacts with a family that interacts and exists as a healthy family should and as she sits and observes she is completely blown away at how the family functions. These people reach out to her, to know her, and she has no idea what to do with it because she was an outcast for 10 of her 18 years of life.
Sometimes I cry because it makes me ache to read the thoughts of this fictional character's mind. Sometimes I cry because I know exactly how she feels.
My scars are not as deep nor as many as this character. But they are there and they affect me, on a smaller scale, the same as her. But to see it from the outside.. I wonder if people saw through me the way they see through her. See her hurt written all over her. It makes me wonder what I was like.. what I'm still like. How am I perceived? Do I look cold and dead at the times I feel that? Do I look like I'm fighting myself in my head at the moments that I am? Or can I play it off like I've always thought I could...
I've processed my past of abuse many times. Every time it's a little different. Sometimes it's with a counselor, a friend, a mentor. Most of the time its alone. I always feel like I come to the end, a resting point in the journey. But eventually something tells me I have to get up and keep walking. Every time I walk I'm dragging myself through thorns and mud and nastiness.
I'm wondering what will end up coming of my life. What will it look like as these aches and pains are used for Him? How will I help people? What are these "big" things I'm destined to do? I'm excited and full of anticipation. I finally feel like I have something to give, rather than feeling like everything has been sucked out of me. Thats gotta be a good step right?
This is part of what I read today.
Psalm 37 v 3-6
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Verse 3 was especially encouraging. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture... PLEASE!
Safety... I still struggle to feel safe. Not that I think I'm going to get attacked when I walk down the street, but I never feel safe to be completely myself. That is what a lot of safety is in my mind. Me being free to be me. The me I am without the abuse, the hurt, the anger, the walls. There are two places I have felt that I was that person. Grand Haven and Virginia Beach. Both beach towns... ironic. In grand haven, I felt that for a couple of months. In Virginia only for a week. It was enough that I think about certain moments from those two places a lot. People noticed something different about me. Sometime softer maybe? Something free, relaxed, joyful.
I am now trusting the Lord... hoping for provision and a chance to dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture, to receive the desires of my heart.
4.21.2010
time and time again
I refuse to start this entry with "It's been a while since I last wrote..." Because it's just obvious that it HAS been a while.
I will make no attempt to catch you up to speed. "You" being whoever it is that reads this thing. So Jamee and Ben :) haha. I feel this sense of guilt when I come back from a hiatus and don't have a synopsis of the time lapse. Strange. I feel like I owe something to the world wide web.
I am very sore... My chiropractor has been hurting/helping me. I'm not sure what to do better... but I'm hoping that this begins to make me feel right again. At least physically.
Today was actually a wonderful day. I went to the UICA (Urban Institute of Contemporary Arts) where my amazing internship is and ate some cake for a co-worker's birthday. Pretended I had lots to do as the Arts Administration Intern (although I was quite bored...) and then left to go babysit and sat outside reading and spending time with God most of the 3 hours I was there. I left feeling well, had an encouraging conversation with Ben and I went grocery shopping and came home and prepared food for the week. Seems normal.
Then suddenly I just felt heavy. Sore. Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. Everything all at once. My room mate came home and I was flooded with negativity. Flooded. I didn't know what to do about it, I tried to fight it off. I cleaned. I did laundry. I read. nothing... So I ran (literally.) I went running at 11pm. It seemed like the smartest idea, and all in all it was. I felt somewhat better when I got back. But while I ran, I felt myself wishing I could run from the place I am now. Which, mind you, is not even a bad place. Literally OR figuratively. I feel at peace with where I am, but at that moment of running all I could do was cry and wish I could run anywhere else.
I feel lonely. Too many transitions. Someday I will stay in one place... and on top of that I really enjoyed living with my sister. It was crazy there, kind of stressful 98% of the time, but nice. I miss living with her, and kind of feel sad things played out how they did with living situations. Leave it to a legitimately crazy guy to complicate her/our lives.
I don't really have a lot to say right now... I guess I just felt that I needed to write and see if anything helpful came out of it. Writing is therapeutic. It feels good most of the time. So much has been going on the last few months... it's a whirlwind. I hope to get back into the swing of things and write more about nothing and also about everything.
I will make no attempt to catch you up to speed. "You" being whoever it is that reads this thing. So Jamee and Ben :) haha. I feel this sense of guilt when I come back from a hiatus and don't have a synopsis of the time lapse. Strange. I feel like I owe something to the world wide web.
I am very sore... My chiropractor has been hurting/helping me. I'm not sure what to do better... but I'm hoping that this begins to make me feel right again. At least physically.
Today was actually a wonderful day. I went to the UICA (Urban Institute of Contemporary Arts) where my amazing internship is and ate some cake for a co-worker's birthday. Pretended I had lots to do as the Arts Administration Intern (although I was quite bored...) and then left to go babysit and sat outside reading and spending time with God most of the 3 hours I was there. I left feeling well, had an encouraging conversation with Ben and I went grocery shopping and came home and prepared food for the week. Seems normal.
Then suddenly I just felt heavy. Sore. Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. Everything all at once. My room mate came home and I was flooded with negativity. Flooded. I didn't know what to do about it, I tried to fight it off. I cleaned. I did laundry. I read. nothing... So I ran (literally.) I went running at 11pm. It seemed like the smartest idea, and all in all it was. I felt somewhat better when I got back. But while I ran, I felt myself wishing I could run from the place I am now. Which, mind you, is not even a bad place. Literally OR figuratively. I feel at peace with where I am, but at that moment of running all I could do was cry and wish I could run anywhere else.
I feel lonely. Too many transitions. Someday I will stay in one place... and on top of that I really enjoyed living with my sister. It was crazy there, kind of stressful 98% of the time, but nice. I miss living with her, and kind of feel sad things played out how they did with living situations. Leave it to a legitimately crazy guy to complicate her/our lives.
I don't really have a lot to say right now... I guess I just felt that I needed to write and see if anything helpful came out of it. Writing is therapeutic. It feels good most of the time. So much has been going on the last few months... it's a whirlwind. I hope to get back into the swing of things and write more about nothing and also about everything.
12.24.2008
Sore
It's astonishing to me the way someone can hate. hate. hate. you and suddenly just like you. That is kind of how I feel in regards to my little sis right now. I woke up today and we happened to be in the same room for awhile together and small talk started. Then I turned on some music and conversation over a song started. All of sudden we were laughing and enjoying each other.
Yes. Laughing. And enjoying each other.
We spent the rest of the day together. We baked, danced, listened to the new all american rejects cd, drank egg nog, took pictures, cracked jokes, and swore at cars in British accents while shoveling the end of the drive.
Then Tara came home, the the 3 of us hung out and started chatting it up like old buds. Then suddenly secrets started pouring out. All the secrets they tell each other and never fill me in on were revealed. Suddenly I was realizing the weight of the phrase "be careful what you wish for". I had longed to be in on the secrets and the stories. Now I was in, and I wanted to be out because the stories were ones of drunkenness and promiscuity and they made me more sad than they did included.
My responses to the "secrets" were less than acceptable. Words like "respect" and "patience" and "self worth" were not taken well. I had to retreat from my stance on the soap box quickly because their looks were all too familiar. I almost lost my place in the cool club.
So I sat and listened, threw in a swear word here and there. A chuckle or two. I slipped in a couple more quick comments about self worth... they were ignored and I felt I had at least tried.
Times like this make me think: Why was I saved from this?
I too was 16 once, in "love" with a serious boyfriend, dabbling in drugs and alcohol, taking care of friends that didn't know when to stop. That and worse. I got myself into trouble that was far beyond my maturity level. Looking back, I feel older than I should.
My point though is that I can relate to both of my sisters in some way. Not perfectly, but somehow I have been there. I see Becca and she is where I was, I see Tara and she is where I could be. The difference is that something changed my life, I pursued something different from anyone in my family. Or something different finally caught my attention.
I say that because deep down I know that God actually pursued me. He tracked me down and refused to let me go without making me recognize Him. God saved me. He grabbed me, shook some sense into me and threw me onto a better path. But Why me and not them? I've always asked that.
Now I feel like maybe I'm asking the wrong question, as usual. Maybe He doesn't pursue certain people more than other, but all of us equally. So why was I more responsive to Him? Why did I hear Him and feel Him if He is after us all the same?
In Croatia in 2005 I was baptised in the Adriatic sea. Then when I lived in Bosnia, I was baptized in the Spirit. In this prayer, there was a lot of truth/encouragement whatever you would like to call it- prayed over me. Staci or Casey I don't remember who it was, kept saying God has amazing things in store for you. He is going to use you. You are here for a reason. blah blah blah.
I feel like they say things like that to everyone though. Isn't God going to use us all? Doesn't He have amazing things in store for all of His followers? I hope so...
What do I make of all this? I've always said "everything happens for a reason". Usually I really believe that and I feel that my life is a perfect example of it. A perfect example that all things that happen-good and bad-are just these insane chain reactions that lead to an amazing ending when you choose to be receptive to God's voice. Like a maze that had a million different routes, but still only one exit. Othertimes I say it and I'm like "what? that is stupid. Terrible awful things happen to people for a reason? What reason?" and I wonder how I can say- much less believe - such a crazy thing. I'm not going to pretend I understand it all... that's why it's called faith.
I guess people believe in crazier things.
Like Tom Cruise.
All in all, I'm happy my family and I are getting along.
Yes. Laughing. And enjoying each other.
We spent the rest of the day together. We baked, danced, listened to the new all american rejects cd, drank egg nog, took pictures, cracked jokes, and swore at cars in British accents while shoveling the end of the drive.
Then Tara came home, the the 3 of us hung out and started chatting it up like old buds. Then suddenly secrets started pouring out. All the secrets they tell each other and never fill me in on were revealed. Suddenly I was realizing the weight of the phrase "be careful what you wish for". I had longed to be in on the secrets and the stories. Now I was in, and I wanted to be out because the stories were ones of drunkenness and promiscuity and they made me more sad than they did included.
My responses to the "secrets" were less than acceptable. Words like "respect" and "patience" and "self worth" were not taken well. I had to retreat from my stance on the soap box quickly because their looks were all too familiar. I almost lost my place in the cool club.
So I sat and listened, threw in a swear word here and there. A chuckle or two. I slipped in a couple more quick comments about self worth... they were ignored and I felt I had at least tried.
Times like this make me think: Why was I saved from this?
I too was 16 once, in "love" with a serious boyfriend, dabbling in drugs and alcohol, taking care of friends that didn't know when to stop. That and worse. I got myself into trouble that was far beyond my maturity level. Looking back, I feel older than I should.
My point though is that I can relate to both of my sisters in some way. Not perfectly, but somehow I have been there. I see Becca and she is where I was, I see Tara and she is where I could be. The difference is that something changed my life, I pursued something different from anyone in my family. Or something different finally caught my attention.
I say that because deep down I know that God actually pursued me. He tracked me down and refused to let me go without making me recognize Him. God saved me. He grabbed me, shook some sense into me and threw me onto a better path. But Why me and not them? I've always asked that.
Now I feel like maybe I'm asking the wrong question, as usual. Maybe He doesn't pursue certain people more than other, but all of us equally. So why was I more responsive to Him? Why did I hear Him and feel Him if He is after us all the same?
In Croatia in 2005 I was baptised in the Adriatic sea. Then when I lived in Bosnia, I was baptized in the Spirit. In this prayer, there was a lot of truth/encouragement whatever you would like to call it- prayed over me. Staci or Casey I don't remember who it was, kept saying God has amazing things in store for you. He is going to use you. You are here for a reason. blah blah blah.
I feel like they say things like that to everyone though. Isn't God going to use us all? Doesn't He have amazing things in store for all of His followers? I hope so...
What do I make of all this? I've always said "everything happens for a reason". Usually I really believe that and I feel that my life is a perfect example of it. A perfect example that all things that happen-good and bad-are just these insane chain reactions that lead to an amazing ending when you choose to be receptive to God's voice. Like a maze that had a million different routes, but still only one exit. Othertimes I say it and I'm like "what? that is stupid. Terrible awful things happen to people for a reason? What reason?" and I wonder how I can say- much less believe - such a crazy thing. I'm not going to pretend I understand it all... that's why it's called faith.
I guess people believe in crazier things.
Like Tom Cruise.
All in all, I'm happy my family and I are getting along.
10.07.2008
I see a lot of life in you.
I'm having a day today. Just a quiet day. I don't really want to exit my world of thoughts and contemplations. I want to lay on the floor and listen to sufjan and cry out to God asking him all the hard questions I'm tired of him asking me. Unfortunately I have to read art history instead of doing any of that.
I had counseling this last friday... (here is my attempt to talk about events-for you). After going through events from elementary up to college; a woman I don't even know looked at me with much distress showing in the lines of her face and asked "where were all the adults in your life to take care of you?" I had no response. I probably said "I don't know"- because I don't. So I went home. You would think a weekend of fun and friends and family and cute boys and concerts and first kisses would make me feel so awesome and amazing- but it doesn't.
I'm sad and I feel cheated.
I want family and stability. I made the sad mistake of looking at a friends facebook from some family reunion in texas. Her famly is big, her parents are in love, she is engaged, her 2 sisters are her best friends. At her reunion her extended family were hugging and taking silly photos together with reminiscent captions posted underneath. Then they all played a game of softball. I hate softball, but I would play for days if I had family like that.
I'm looking forward to Nash. I'm looking forward to being with the girls. I want to watch 'friends' in our p.j.s and lay on the floor listening to sufjan while someone is doing something creative and we're all discussing dreams and aspirations we secretly think about and in our love we can recognize and appreciate our creator.
I had counseling this last friday... (here is my attempt to talk about events-for you). After going through events from elementary up to college; a woman I don't even know looked at me with much distress showing in the lines of her face and asked "where were all the adults in your life to take care of you?" I had no response. I probably said "I don't know"- because I don't. So I went home. You would think a weekend of fun and friends and family and cute boys and concerts and first kisses would make me feel so awesome and amazing- but it doesn't.
I'm sad and I feel cheated.
I want family and stability. I made the sad mistake of looking at a friends facebook from some family reunion in texas. Her famly is big, her parents are in love, she is engaged, her 2 sisters are her best friends. At her reunion her extended family were hugging and taking silly photos together with reminiscent captions posted underneath. Then they all played a game of softball. I hate softball, but I would play for days if I had family like that.
I'm looking forward to Nash. I'm looking forward to being with the girls. I want to watch 'friends' in our p.j.s and lay on the floor listening to sufjan while someone is doing something creative and we're all discussing dreams and aspirations we secretly think about and in our love we can recognize and appreciate our creator.
9.15.2008
optimism in the fall
My song to Casey:
"be optimistic... don't be a grumpy when the road gets bumpy just smile, SMILE and be happy" :D
I wish your house was clean. I wish we lived in the same city so I could hug you.
I also wish there were less people at IWU. It's far too chaotic for me. I'm already stressed out and grumpy just being here for an hour. [I will now sing the optimism song to myself.]
Home this weekend was interesting. It was good to hang out with friends and fam. Catching up is nice, I hate re-telling my summer 3 times in one day, but whatever. My dad is adorable and my sister and I got along really well.
I also bought a new bra from Victoria's secret. Her secret is that she makes her bras so amazing and comfortable I willingly pay $47 for one. Yea.. just one.
I miss autumn in west Michigan. I also miss Nashville. And at times I never want to leave Marion.
It reminds me of this quote: "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." -M. Adeney -
Well put, M. Adeney.
8.24.2008
past really does haunt you.
I haven't written since I decided I loved Nashville.
Right now, I do not love nashville. I hate it for various reasons. I hate complaining about things so the infinite list of complaints will be kept to myself.
But I am reminded that pain from the past can do terrible damage to the present, if not properly taken care of. The past manifests it's present existence through hurt. Through turmoil. Through evil. The scars that I have tried to mend and erase for the past last 15 and 10 and 7 years are ripped open in the course of one month in one place through one person confirming one lie.
I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.
I'm sick of balancing the line between being guarded and being foolishly vulnerable. I want to be known. I want to talk all night about fear and hope and pain and ask questions people tell you you aren't supposed to ask. I want someone to pursue me, to chase after me and tell me I am more than enough, I'm too much. Tell me that they don't want another minute of their life to go on without me in it. Not to be pursued behind closed doors, kissed at bars, and called after hours. The cycle is getting old. Even the good guys manipulate me. Even my friends twist interactions and conversations.
And then I'm left hurt, wondering how I let myself open up to someone who didn't even deserve a second glance, much less my friendship or the troubles of my heart.
My desire to be known and cared for has to be suppressed. The only thing I want now is to protect myself. I've spent the majority of my life being ignored. I get carried away when someone pretends to care... I now only divulge when asked.
It's amazing to me how many people don't ask. It's amazing to me how many people just don't care to know.
Right now, I do not love nashville. I hate it for various reasons. I hate complaining about things so the infinite list of complaints will be kept to myself.
But I am reminded that pain from the past can do terrible damage to the present, if not properly taken care of. The past manifests it's present existence through hurt. Through turmoil. Through evil. The scars that I have tried to mend and erase for the past last 15 and 10 and 7 years are ripped open in the course of one month in one place through one person confirming one lie.
I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.
I'm sick of balancing the line between being guarded and being foolishly vulnerable. I want to be known. I want to talk all night about fear and hope and pain and ask questions people tell you you aren't supposed to ask. I want someone to pursue me, to chase after me and tell me I am more than enough, I'm too much. Tell me that they don't want another minute of their life to go on without me in it. Not to be pursued behind closed doors, kissed at bars, and called after hours. The cycle is getting old. Even the good guys manipulate me. Even my friends twist interactions and conversations.
And then I'm left hurt, wondering how I let myself open up to someone who didn't even deserve a second glance, much less my friendship or the troubles of my heart.
My desire to be known and cared for has to be suppressed. The only thing I want now is to protect myself. I've spent the majority of my life being ignored. I get carried away when someone pretends to care... I now only divulge when asked.
It's amazing to me how many people don't ask. It's amazing to me how many people just don't care to know.
6.18.2008
Keep your hands up
I have been in Nashville for almost a month now.
I love it, I really do.
There has been so much confirmation in my being here. The Lord is so faithful to provide for me.
I was on my knees for the first time in a while, because I realized I had no money, and I had a crappy job that couldn't pay my bills, and I was stressed about relationships, and I was worried about my Dad etc etc.
Today, I helped Casey out at her job. We had made plans with the photographer that i would just come to help out, to observe. Which I was so excited about and it went so well. At the end of the day, he looked at me and told me that he couldn't pay me what he pays casey, but to send him an invoice for $185.
That is so the Lord.
I talked to my dad before fathers day and we had a great conversation again. He told me that he thinks about me a lot and that he worries about me and he doesn't check in as much as he wished he did. He also gave me great advice about cliff jumping: keep your arms up. haha. he told me some stories about jumping off of cranes into gravel pits.
And he told me he was happy that I was doing what I was doing. And he told me it takes courage, and he likes it.
I love the scenery when I drive to work. I hate the humidity, but love it in a secret way. I love being able to hang out with Casey and Katie all the time. I love living with Kami. I love my 3 pools and workout room. I love working with Caleb and Jeb.
God has so much in store for me. So many good things. I am living in this moment, in this time of my life. And I am enjoying every minute of it.
There have been heart aches and belly laughs shared between us girls so much since I have been here!! It is exactly what I have wanted and needed for so long. I am surrounded by amazing women of God and we encourage each other and talk about boys and lip gloss and dance around and eat good food and just enjoy each other. It is So good!
I got hired at a new place right across the street from my house. No more driving and, I get more hours. So... again. God provides.
5.10.2008
What am I?
We turned may term into play term, but after the last couple of days I think we should change the name to self destruction.
5.04.2008
Home sweet Home?
I am back in Michigan.
The drive from Marion to Grand Haven is one I could do in my sleep. I drove straight to jelly's friday for work almost in a complete daze. This drive... I've done it so many times, with so many people, at so many different phases of my life. I laughed on more than one occasion on that driving thinking of how good I am good at crying for three hours. Tears seem to have engulfed the majority of my drives on 31. Something epic about that course of travel...
I worked at the new restaurant this weekend. The only thing new was the building... I worked with the same people. I miss those people a lot. I miss being a part of something. I miss feeling loved. Work was good, I made money, I spent time with people I loved being around, I stopped by the vous to see Joel for his birthday and then I went to bed in my own bed in Grandville. :) All in all it was a pleasant evening.
Then I woke up.
My home... or my house rather... is a shit hole. I wish I had a better description for it, but I do not. It is in terrible condition. Karen is going to be disgusted when she comes home and makes a desperate attempt to fix it up to sell. Nothing about it is the same. The smell, the look, the things in it, it's just... hectic and stressful. The condition of that house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel about my family in general. Messy, cluttered, neglected, in need of major renovation.
So home is still not home. I don't know why I still expect to walk in that door and have it all be the same as it was 5 years ago. But it's ok, because I spent the majority of my weekend in grand haven. Which feels much more like home to me than grandville ever has.
Saturday night I worked again at Jellys, I made awesome money :) Thank you Lord!
The whole "grand" family was around after work. We all sat at the restaurant while I cleaned up and eventually moved from Jellys to the Grand. I was able to see some people I haven't seen in a while and it was a riot. Rhonda made waffles for us at like 2 in the morning, Johanna, Katie and I danced to crazy techno music and did yoga in the Grand dining room. I ended the night staying with my friend Ellen. We stayed up late with her room mates and made Vegan food. It was so good. I need to learn to cook vegan food.
Sunday I went back to Spring Lake Wesleyan. I miss that place so much. It's strange to be in there again, because it has been quite some time... but it wasn't strange in a bad way, it is home. It is different, like everything is, but it is still home. I still feel so much love there and I feel like me. That is the first place I went when I was searching for God, and I found Him through slwc. I found myself through slwc and the people there. I think that is why I hold those people so so so dear to my heart.
After church I went back to ellen's. We spent the day outside. Mike had a meeting to go to and Chris had stuff to do so Ellen and I went and bought flowers and rakes and munchies and came back and relished in the outdoors. It was a perfect spring day. The queer part of it all... Ellen and I are not really even friends. We are co-workers. But I actually just met her when I was home last. We got along really well though. I felt the need to stay. As weird as it was to be at my boss' house with his room mates, there was nothing that could have pulled me away. My phone was dead, which was beautiful in itself, I had nothing to do until my dad got out of work, and I just loved on these people and helped them clean up their yard.
It was bizarre.
What was even more bizarre was the conversation I had with my father.
It was filled with "grown up truth" as my aunt called it.
I will save that for tomorrow though because I'm sick of writing out a long strand of events.
The drive from Marion to Grand Haven is one I could do in my sleep. I drove straight to jelly's friday for work almost in a complete daze. This drive... I've done it so many times, with so many people, at so many different phases of my life. I laughed on more than one occasion on that driving thinking of how good I am good at crying for three hours. Tears seem to have engulfed the majority of my drives on 31. Something epic about that course of travel...
I worked at the new restaurant this weekend. The only thing new was the building... I worked with the same people. I miss those people a lot. I miss being a part of something. I miss feeling loved. Work was good, I made money, I spent time with people I loved being around, I stopped by the vous to see Joel for his birthday and then I went to bed in my own bed in Grandville. :) All in all it was a pleasant evening.
Then I woke up.
My home... or my house rather... is a shit hole. I wish I had a better description for it, but I do not. It is in terrible condition. Karen is going to be disgusted when she comes home and makes a desperate attempt to fix it up to sell. Nothing about it is the same. The smell, the look, the things in it, it's just... hectic and stressful. The condition of that house is a perfect metaphor for how I feel about my family in general. Messy, cluttered, neglected, in need of major renovation.
So home is still not home. I don't know why I still expect to walk in that door and have it all be the same as it was 5 years ago. But it's ok, because I spent the majority of my weekend in grand haven. Which feels much more like home to me than grandville ever has.
Saturday night I worked again at Jellys, I made awesome money :) Thank you Lord!
The whole "grand" family was around after work. We all sat at the restaurant while I cleaned up and eventually moved from Jellys to the Grand. I was able to see some people I haven't seen in a while and it was a riot. Rhonda made waffles for us at like 2 in the morning, Johanna, Katie and I danced to crazy techno music and did yoga in the Grand dining room. I ended the night staying with my friend Ellen. We stayed up late with her room mates and made Vegan food. It was so good. I need to learn to cook vegan food.
Sunday I went back to Spring Lake Wesleyan. I miss that place so much. It's strange to be in there again, because it has been quite some time... but it wasn't strange in a bad way, it is home. It is different, like everything is, but it is still home. I still feel so much love there and I feel like me. That is the first place I went when I was searching for God, and I found Him through slwc. I found myself through slwc and the people there. I think that is why I hold those people so so so dear to my heart.
After church I went back to ellen's. We spent the day outside. Mike had a meeting to go to and Chris had stuff to do so Ellen and I went and bought flowers and rakes and munchies and came back and relished in the outdoors. It was a perfect spring day. The queer part of it all... Ellen and I are not really even friends. We are co-workers. But I actually just met her when I was home last. We got along really well though. I felt the need to stay. As weird as it was to be at my boss' house with his room mates, there was nothing that could have pulled me away. My phone was dead, which was beautiful in itself, I had nothing to do until my dad got out of work, and I just loved on these people and helped them clean up their yard.
It was bizarre.
What was even more bizarre was the conversation I had with my father.
It was filled with "grown up truth" as my aunt called it.
I will save that for tomorrow though because I'm sick of writing out a long strand of events.
4.25.2008
Notorious
adjective: famous or well known, typically for some bad deed or quality. That is the definition of notorious.
I feel that often we, as in my "crew" if you will, are notorious.
Sometimes we are just misunderstood. People don't understand. And they don't take the time to understand. And then sometimes people do take the time to understand... but they run. They don't just slowly back up, it's just all of a sudden they are gone. Even if they aren't literally gone... they are. Nothing is the same. You can feel their absence, even in their presence.
Relationships are painful and stainful. They are beautiful, and they are necessary. Adding life to death, light to dark. But they damage us. They let us down. People let us down. We let people down.
I tried so hard to put my heart out on my sleeve. To uncover it from it's constructed armor. And I felt good for a little bit, knowing God was stretching me.
I'm back to keeping it under lock down. It's just too much right now.
We are too fragile.
Emotions are not something to be taken lightly or to be toyed with. Hearts are not fun things to throw around. You don't cause unpleasant situations digging for a reaction.
You love others how you want to be loved.
And I want to be loved genuinely.
I feel that often we, as in my "crew" if you will, are notorious.
Sometimes we are just misunderstood. People don't understand. And they don't take the time to understand. And then sometimes people do take the time to understand... but they run. They don't just slowly back up, it's just all of a sudden they are gone. Even if they aren't literally gone... they are. Nothing is the same. You can feel their absence, even in their presence.
Relationships are painful and stainful. They are beautiful, and they are necessary. Adding life to death, light to dark. But they damage us. They let us down. People let us down. We let people down.
I tried so hard to put my heart out on my sleeve. To uncover it from it's constructed armor. And I felt good for a little bit, knowing God was stretching me.
I'm back to keeping it under lock down. It's just too much right now.
We are too fragile.
Emotions are not something to be taken lightly or to be toyed with. Hearts are not fun things to throw around. You don't cause unpleasant situations digging for a reaction.
You love others how you want to be loved.
And I want to be loved genuinely.
4.24.2008
Fine Art Photography
Since the literal and figurative abandonment of mother’s responsibility as a parent, there have been a lot of unanswered questions lingering in the rooms of her half-empty house. In search of answers to some of these questions, I’ve found myself on the verge of exploiting personal feelings of hurt, confusion, and anger. I have come to the realization that family is not always the source of support, encouragement, or love that we are told it is supposed to be.The majority of the time spent on this piece I was engulfed in bitterness and disbelief, constantly in search of an explanation in regards to the current state of my family. Through this process, the questions have been narrowed to one main idea of “Why?”
Why did she leave? Why couldn’t my sisters and I be enough to make her to stay? Why has she walked away from her responsibilities as a mother?
What could be better than family, than support, than the love and comfort of those who bear unconditional love?
There has to yet to be an answer to this question.
In coping with the current wreckage of the people I love most, God has surrounded me with an immeasurable amount of support, encouragement, and love. Through those around me, I have been reminded of the beauty of His grace, the healing power of His love; and most importantly, the reassurance that we are never alone.
“For both He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified
are all from one Family.” -Hebrews 2:11
4.19.2008
I fall asleep with my friends around me.
I realize more and more every day that no matter how "great" or personable or whatever I am, some times I just don't fit. This weekend has helped me come to this realization and it is bittersweet. I just don't fit with some places, and that's ok. It is bitter for obvious reasons... no one wants to feel like they don't belong. It is hard to look at the people around you and see that they are never going to know you in the same ways that some people do. You don't feel like you can be the real you. It's this strange line you balance. It sweet when you are with the people that do know you. The people that you can be yourself around and love the you that you are. The people that share something with you. Share values, life styles, goals, attitudes, it fits.
My people are the misfits. Once again 3eb said it best.
I try to fight the people I fit with. I try to fight against them because sometimes it's hard to be you, or me. However you want to read that. It's just hard sometimes. So last night I feel asleep with my friends around me. The number was few. But I have spent the day feeling like I want to cry because this summer I will not be with them.
We don't want to grow up.
But we have to grow up.
And it breaks my heart.
My people are the misfits. Once again 3eb said it best.
I try to fight the people I fit with. I try to fight against them because sometimes it's hard to be you, or me. However you want to read that. It's just hard sometimes. So last night I feel asleep with my friends around me. The number was few. But I have spent the day feeling like I want to cry because this summer I will not be with them.
We don't want to grow up.
But we have to grow up.
And it breaks my heart.
4.14.2008
Nashtown...
This weekend I went home to good ol' Grand Haven to work and get away from the wu. It was awesome to get away, I spent some good time with some awesome girl friends that I love so much. Working was quite the blessing as well. My beloved boss Mike really really wants me to come back for the sumer. I felt very loved and appreciated with the effort he was putting into getting me back to GH for the summer. There is a new restaurant opening called Jelly's that he wants me to cocktail and/or bar-tend at. Awesome opportunity to make some serious cash, if I do say so myself. On the flip side of that, I do not feel that living in GH would be the best thing for me really. I need to make money of course, but I really do not want to be working 60 hours a week, living the night life in grand haven again. I need to work with a photographer. I need to be proactive about my future... so on my way to work on saturday I am venting about this. I was praying that I either be content to be in marion or that God would present another opportunity to me. Mike being as wonderfully persuasive as he is, would definitely be able to get me to be in Grand Haven over Marion Indiana. It would not take much, this I know for sure. While I am working, I get a text from my friend, Kami at IWU. It simply says "do you want to live in nashville this summer?" And I replied "yes." I didn't even think about it really, I just replied. Then as the night went on and I escaped to the bathroom so we could talk about it, I was overwhelmed with excitement thinking of the possibilities. Photographers are everywhere in Nashville. Casey lives there, Ellie is living there and then of course Kami, who I am living with. Three girls that I know only a little but want to know and invest in more.
There are so many little details that are just working. Joel might ride down there with me and fly home so I don't have to drive by myself. My mom is going to stop in on her way to MI the beginning of June. I hopefully have a connection to a photographer that Jess' finace is related to... it could be so good.
I mean, it could suck too.
But it could be so good.
I'm a little sad about not being in Marion. I was kind of looking forward to living simply and hanging out with Logan and Boyer all the time. This is good though, I am very excited.
Sidenote: I really hope I don't run into Trent. If I can do anything about it, he will not find out that I am in Nashville.
4.11.2008
newest artist statement
Family is considered the foundation in the lives of a lot of people. Family is their support system, their encouragement, where they feel most at home and loved. Unfortunately, for many, family is the exact opposite of that. We are used to this idea of the broken family. People themselves are broken; they are hurt, and most of all sinful. We are not perfect and we let people down as often as we are let down by others. In my case, the let downs are frequent and the people I love most are the cause of the pain. Hurt flows like a river, and the identity of source is the least expected.
Since the literal and figurative abandonment of mother’s responsibility as a parent, there have been a lot of unanswered questions lingering in the rooms of her half-empty house. In search of answers to some of these questions, I’ve found myself on the verge of exploiting personal feelings of hurt, confusion, and anger. Throughout the process of this body of work, the questions have been narrowed to one main idea: “Why?” Why did she leave? What could be better than family, than support, than love and comfort of those who bear unconditional love?
Since the literal and figurative abandonment of mother’s responsibility as a parent, there have been a lot of unanswered questions lingering in the rooms of her half-empty house. In search of answers to some of these questions, I’ve found myself on the verge of exploiting personal feelings of hurt, confusion, and anger. Throughout the process of this body of work, the questions have been narrowed to one main idea: “Why?” Why did she leave? What could be better than family, than support, than love and comfort of those who bear unconditional love?
4.09.2008
Same Mistake
So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go
Hello, hello
There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy, does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go
And so I sent some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night,
said "Have you seen my enemy?"
said "he looked just like me"
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again,
And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause
There are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me
so here I go
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again
So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.
~James Blunt
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go
Hello, hello
There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy, does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go
And so I sent some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night,
said "Have you seen my enemy?"
said "he looked just like me"
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again,
And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause
There are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me
so here I go
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again
So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars
Look at the stars, falling down,
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.
~James Blunt
4.08.2008
Do I love like Beethoven?
World Civ today, we are learning about the rise of the modern mind, romanticism, free expression, everything in revolt of the enlightenment.
Smith is discussing the characteristics of the mind of the romantic. Emotion over intellect, Emphasis on personal feelings and free expression, valuing what is beneath; the depth of ourselves, love for adventure, etc. All of these things he is going through I'm agreeing in my mind like... yea, this is me. This is totally me. I'm a romantic, and not just in the "i love love" sappy way.
We get to some of the people of the romanticism era. Thoreau, Emerson, Hugo, Wolfgang, Beethoven. Smith gets onto the subject of how, even in all of his intelligence, how crazy of a person Beethoven was. How he was SUCH a romantic, that he was the subject of a quote (by who... I do not remember, of course). The quote says, and this is not exact, that the romantic spirit is fickle. It is in love only with feelings evoked by another while in love. Never with that person. Apparently Beethoven lived a life full of love, but not one love. Many loves. He loved the newness of love. The feelings evoked by that budding relationship, that honeymoon period. And he kept chasing after that.
Is this me? Is this how I love? Am I in love with being in love?
I really do enjoy getting to know people. It's exciting. It's different. It's fun. It's challenging. But how long do I stick around after I know them? I have always had friends in and out of my life so I can't even say that I am loyally in love with my friends. I only have a few people from my past that I am still close with, but it is almost that superficial close now, where we just say we are best buds. But really... we know nothing of who we are now. We live out of who we knew eachother to be in the past.
I don't know how to prove this fear right or wrong. But I am worried that I will never be able to commit. That I am always looking for the next adventure and the next thrill and I just cannot stop and relish and enjoy what I have.
I have a hard time being content.
I hope I am not doomed with a fickle heart.
Smith is discussing the characteristics of the mind of the romantic. Emotion over intellect, Emphasis on personal feelings and free expression, valuing what is beneath; the depth of ourselves, love for adventure, etc. All of these things he is going through I'm agreeing in my mind like... yea, this is me. This is totally me. I'm a romantic, and not just in the "i love love" sappy way.
We get to some of the people of the romanticism era. Thoreau, Emerson, Hugo, Wolfgang, Beethoven. Smith gets onto the subject of how, even in all of his intelligence, how crazy of a person Beethoven was. How he was SUCH a romantic, that he was the subject of a quote (by who... I do not remember, of course). The quote says, and this is not exact, that the romantic spirit is fickle. It is in love only with feelings evoked by another while in love. Never with that person. Apparently Beethoven lived a life full of love, but not one love. Many loves. He loved the newness of love. The feelings evoked by that budding relationship, that honeymoon period. And he kept chasing after that.
Is this me? Is this how I love? Am I in love with being in love?
I really do enjoy getting to know people. It's exciting. It's different. It's fun. It's challenging. But how long do I stick around after I know them? I have always had friends in and out of my life so I can't even say that I am loyally in love with my friends. I only have a few people from my past that I am still close with, but it is almost that superficial close now, where we just say we are best buds. But really... we know nothing of who we are now. We live out of who we knew eachother to be in the past.
I don't know how to prove this fear right or wrong. But I am worried that I will never be able to commit. That I am always looking for the next adventure and the next thrill and I just cannot stop and relish and enjoy what I have.
I have a hard time being content.
I hope I am not doomed with a fickle heart.
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