"I don't want to do this again"
But I did.
When the school year was over I had high expectations for the summer. Living in GH with amazing women of God, close to SLWC, my friends, great job, perfect guy etc.
I think I should start setting my expectations lower, because then they have no place to go but up because the high expectations for the summer... doomed me. In retrospect I believe I will look back on this sumer and see all the good in it, but right now I'm just saddened by the feelings I was overwhelmed with these past few months.
On a good note;
There has been loads of growth. The most important thing I found out about myself this summer is that I am an accomodater. Yea... not something I'm too proud of. Basically this means I'd rather just let things go, let things happen because I feel that if there are going to be any reprocussions of a situation- I am strong enough to handle them rather than put my foot down or speak up and "dissapoint" someone. I've watched my mom do it for my dad my whole life. Apparently, I thought that's just what women do for men. shit.
Guess I need to work on that. It's almost like a self respect thing. I also found out I lack a bit of that as well.
So as the new school year creeps up on me, I have new expectations. They are still high, so I haven't really learned from my mistake, but I'm excited about it all. I'm a little worried of going back to IWU because of the memories that involve trent. He was only around for a short time of my life... months really. But in those months- I can't even explain the attachment we had or the things we went through together. It's really hard for me to know that is over and it just ended so abrubtly. I guess it was a gradual event that led to our break up, but it really seems like it was just sudden. Then it went from bad to worse, I told him we had to cut contact for a while. This is hard because all I want to do is talk to him or see him. Anything. He's haunting me right now and it hurts. This is the first break up I've had that I walked away feeling truly heart broken. It's really painful. The most important piece of truth I have recieved this year though is from Song of Solomon: "Do not awaken love until it so desires".
I'm hoping school will at least mask the pain until I can figure out what to do with my life and where to go etc. etc. I'm mentoring this year, that is really exciting for me. I'm close to Jamee and Jess and Jordyn- that is also exciting. Oh yes... and my 21st birthday is on its way. So... we will see.
I have much to look forward to. I am only 20 after all.
lets try this again...
love you so much!
i'm here to share in the joy and pain of it all...
LEt Go, Let God
Post a Comment